29 July - 4 August 2016 #819

The Vermicultural Revolution


Some random people have been stopping the Ass on the streets this week asking me – off the record – what I make of the ongoing regime change. My answer has been a categorical “WTF”. Others have asked how long it will take for the new government to be formed, and strictly on condition of anonymity, my take is: “Until the cows come home, or when the fat lady sings, or both.” And to those of you who want to know whether it is safe to eat momos, my answer is still: “Only if you boil the buffalo first.”

There are lots of rumours flying around about everything, and the Ass’ sage advice is to believe all gossip until it is proven that they are only half-true.

The big news this week is that Comrade Awesome is again going to be Prime Monster, and being once bitten and twice shy, he is determined not to make boo-boos like last time when he went North before heading South. On the happy occasion of the re-ascendance of Comrade Supercalifragilistic to the Peacock Throne, we have dug into the donkey archive to find some important points in the Great Helmsperson’s illustrious political career.

  • While he was still underground, Comrade Fearsome was the leader of Nepal’s Vermicultural Revolution, and the author of many memorable sound bites like: “Step on the shoulder to hit the head, but only after using Head & Shoulders anti-dandruff shampoo.” (That message was brought to you by P&G.) 

  • Commandante Awestruck often warned of a “tunnel war” with India, and proceeded to dig trenches along the entire Indo-Nepal border to thwart a possible invasion. And we have found an old interview in which he even threatened to declare war on India, and made this grand proclamation in an interview while living in Noida.  

  • After he was elected Sub-prime Minister in 2008, Comprador Dahal’s first order of business was to announce that, the invasion of India not having materialised, he was going to turn Nepal into a Switzerland. But the sound system was not working very well, and we couldn’t quite make out whether he meant “Sewageland”.

  • During his daring tenure, Comrade Terrifico tried out everything, including anulom vilom prayanama and then kapalbhati prayanama while listening to Ram Dev at Tundikhel. In a sermon to the congregation, El Capitan said, “Revolution is the fusion between spiritualism and dialectic materialism especially since it is also the opium of the masses”, and waxed lyrical on how yoga was an inherent part of Mao Thought. And while agreeing that animal sacrifice was barbaric, he said that – under certain objective conditions – human sacrifice was ok.

  • Comrade Lotus Flower then turned his full attention to ping-pong diplomacy with the North and ding-dong diplomacy with the South. To cut a long story short, PKD soon became persona-non-grateful and the Chairman’s roar soon became a meow. 

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