Nepali Times

It has been our experience in the news business that important international happenings like Kim Kardashian’s selfies, Holly Hagan’s breast augmentation and Miss Selena Gomez taking out an insurance policy on her bellybutton often crowd out equally earth-shattering events here at home.

And even as Nepal’s vibrant free press tries to accommodate all the gossip that is fit to print there is, understandably, a lack of space and many news items of vital national importance go into the rubbish bin. That is why it is incumbent upon us as media typhoons dedicated to the public’s right to say “no”, to bring our valued customers up to speed on goings-on in this great country of ours without fear or favouritism. This roundup of weekly news is brought to you by 5 Virgins Cement (motto: ‘Because Six Would Be Overdoing It’) and NASA Engineering College (‘We Shoot the Stars’).

Prince Hari To Stay in Nepal Forever

BY OUR EX-ROYAL CORRESPONDENT

Impressed by the great progress Nepal has made in preserving earthquake ruins in as-where-is condition and in conserving the country’s medieval way of life, Britain’s Prince Hari has decided not to return to the UK.

The Prince (currently third in line to the British throne) announced this through his Twitter account and said it was a spur of the moment decision to renounce his British citizenship and become a naturalised Nepali even if it takes 15 years of residency.

‘The #Nepalese miss the #monarchy, and I want to stay and do everything I can to help,’ His Royal Highness tweeted.

Nepal’s constitution experts said that if the monarchy was reinstated in Nepal in future, there would be no legal problem to fast track the prince’s candidacy to be King Hari III.

Nepal Celebrates Earth Hours

BY OUR ENERGETIC REPORTER

While cities around the world turned off their lights for 60 minutes during Earth Hour this week, Nepal put the rest of the world to shame by turning off its electricity supply for 14 hours.

“We wanted to show our commitment to reduce our carbon footprint and to spread awareness about global warming,” said the Minister of Load Shedding and Hot Air, reading his communiqué by candlelight.

He added that Nepal had reduced its diesel imports to almost zero in the second half of 2015, and credited the Indian Blockade for helping Nepal attain its goal of being a zero carbon economy.

Nepal Included In Two More Listicles

FROM OUR CYBERIA CORRESPONDENT

Nepal this week was included in two more internet listicles, showing that the efforts by the National Tourism Hoard to publicise Nepal is bearing fruit.

A hitherto unheard of portal in Serbia-Herzegovina has decided that Kathmandu has the third worst air quality among the world’s cities. Alarmed by this, the government is taking stern action and the Nepal Embassy in Geneva has filed a strongly-worded note verbal asking the Serbs to clarify in writing how they came up with the list, and how come Kathmandu did not make it to the bottom of the heap as the city with the worst air quality.

The Government spokesman said: “We suspect foul play. The two cities on the list that beat Kathmandu, Tetovo in Macedonia and Cairo in Egypt, must have done match-fixing.”

Meanwhile Trip Advisor has ranked Nepal 23rd on a list of 25 top travel destinations in the world and used algorithms in a sentiment analysis of visitor comments. For example feedback like ‘Kathmandu Airport, there is no other airport like it in the world’ is counted as a positive comment. So is: ‘Visit Nepal and go back to the dark ages’ or ‘Wait 3 Hours for Baggage at Kathmandu Airport, Get Free Haircut’.

FinMin To Tax Smuggling

BY OUR FINANCIALLY-STRAPPED ANAL-YEAST

In an effort to increase internal revenue that has fallen drastically after the Blockade, the Finance Ministry has announced it will start taxing smugglers and their illicit income. The measure is expected to add 3 Kharabs 45 Arabs and 77 Corrodes to the gubberment coffers every month.

The Ministry’s new initiative that has the slogan ‘No Representation Without Taxation’ will start at the Brigand Dry Port and then to petrol stations and gas depots throughout the country.

However the Federation of Nepalese Blackmarketeers in a statement denounced the move and threatened to bring all smuggling to a halt, thus crippling the national economy. Micro-bus syndicates expressed solidarity with the action, and said it would vandalise all buses that dared to ply on the Ring Road in defiance of its right to a monopoly on public transport.

Yeti Exists: Expedition

BY AN ABOMINABLE REPORTER

NAMCHE - A group of Nepali primatologists said today they had found indisputable proof that the yeti indeed exists. After three years extensively scouring the worldwide web through several search engines, the scientists said they had found at least 315,000 intercepts of yetis on Google alone and at least 25 Facebook pages of Yetis. “When we did an image search, we found visual proof of 6,600 yetis,” scientists said. “It is a myth that the yeti does not exist.” Several yetis approached for comment via WhatsApp to confirm or deny their existence answered: “Maybe.”