11 - 17 December 2015 #786

Half-Ass column


We begin today’s news bulletin with the main headlines: 

Khadga Slams Basnet

Thapa Blasts Swaraj

Swaraj Smacks Thapa

Karki Kicks Ass

Nepal Pokes India

India Whacks Nepal

Now that we have that over and done with, there is really not much to add. That’s it for today, folks, go home to Mama. Scat.

You are still hanging around, go away, show’s over. What’s that, again? You are insisting that you paid for a full column and feel you are being cheated that this week’s Backside is only 10% its normal word length? What do you expect, don’t you know there is a Blockade on? But if you still want to argue about it, meet me outside in 5 minutes and I’ll show you who’s boss around here.

As Nepalis we are being short-changed everywhere, it’s the name of the game. Only 10% of fuel trucks are getting through. You wait 3 days for 4 litres of petrol and the gas station wallah has tampered with the pump and you only get 3.8. The LPG cylinder is always less than half full. So, this is a half-Ass column, what’s the big deal?

Besides, we Nepalis have to learn to have a more positive mental attitude. Stop complaining, na. When you get a half-empty gas cylinder, isn’t it much better to regard it as being half-full? Be optimistic, look at the brighter side.

Just see all the opportunities that this crisis has presented us with. All we have to do is grab what we can, which is exactly what everyone is doing. There is so much going for us that the Oli Gobarment should now send an envoy to New Delhi to request the Indian authoritarians not to lift the blockade. So much money is being made on both sides of the open-ended border by everyone up and down the food chain that it would be foolish and against the national interest to lift the siege.

This seize is good for the economy, it is creating wealth, raising Nepal’s GDP per capita and we have empirical evidence of parameter stability in particular caused by breaks in the stochastic performance of exogenous variables and disturbances attested by the Reverse Kuznetz Curve and other hyperbolic discounting formulae in order to ensure that everyone dead, alive, and yet to be born receives benefits that will accrue in the forthcoming fiscal cycle from this so-called blockade.

Besides the economic advantages of the blockade, there are also political, cultural, zoological and astrological benefits. We list some of them here in no particular order:

  • Now that Bihar is going dry, it makes sense for Nepal to keep the border closed so that smuggling can be reversed and we make up for paying through our noses for Rs 350/l of diluted petrol by spiriting across Khukuri Rum and selling it at double markup to thirsty Biharis.

  • India started building a crossborder petroleum pipeline from Raxaul to Amlekhganj, but cunningly turned off the supply of petroleum. This National Prestige Project symbolising India-Nepal Friendship and Cooperation can still be salvaged if instead of pumping diesel, we reverse the flow and employ the force of gravity to pipe rum, gin, ayla and raxi down to Bihar much more efficiently than in gas bullets.

  • We now know it for a fact that Nepal is in a mess mainly because of the Raxaul Mess that fed hundreds of blockheads for three months and was funded by the BJP and a couple of NRNs. It would be wise to keep this Mess running as long as God wants it since everything in our secular republic is in God’s hands anyway.  

  • Considering the importance smuggling is to the national economy, the Oli Gravelment would be wise to allow smugglers ply their trade without let or hindrance and set up a Ministry of Black Market and Black Magic, and have as its terms of reference the smooth flow of contraband pomegranates across the border to meet Nepal’s basic necessities.

More importantly it should shortlist professional faith healers who can use voodoo and occult rituals to cast a spell on the ViceRae.

Read also:

Without a Modicum of Doubt, Ass

Half-assed blockade, Ass

(Quote) Blockade (Unquote), Ass

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