As the fhit hits the san about Loktantra Man Sing, the secret deal that led to commissioning commissioners has emerged. A meeting of the High Level Political Committee last month apparently bowed down to the wishes of an even Higher Level All-mighty Mechanism (HLAMM) to parcel out the positions of the constitutional organs. Members of the Four-Party Dictatorship brought their nominations to the meeting in little chits of paper. It was finalised that Comrade Gutch’s favourite, LMSK, would head the CIA. And for inexplicable reason, he was also the fave candidate of the handlers Uncooked, Inc. There was a hue-and-cry, but PKD and BKG came to Sing Man’s defence: “Yes, he is a royalist. Yes, he a national record holder for corruption in high places. Yes he ordered the violent suppression of pro-democracy process. But he is the fox that is going to guard the chicken coop. He’s our man. Let’s see whose father can do what.”
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The NC and UML leadership seem to have dozed off during that meeting to discuss band-fand because it didn’t register just how controversial that would be, or maybe they were half-awake and were rubbing their hands at the prospect of the Baddie-Maddie partners falling flat on their faces. Either way, the kangresis were happy enough to have their candidate become the General Auditor and the Baddies rammed through their nominee for the head of the PSC, none other than First Aunt Yummy. The UML leadership had already got their man, Mr Blue Throat, to head the Election Commission, so they’ve been the ones playing holier-than-thou.
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Despite PKD’s headline-grabbing visits north and south last month which restored Awesome’s kingmaker role in Nepali politics, the visits went almost completely unnoticed in those countries. China’s state media totally ignored the meeting between the leaders of the two countries and Indian tv channels were too preoccupied with crises to even notice. But this didn’t matter at all to the Chairman, since it was a visit to bolster his standing within Nepal among the parties, and especially, to present himself ahead of BRB. The photo op with the North Neta and South Neta were all important. All this has boosted Lotus Flower’s confidence level to such an extent that he now considers himself invincible. The plan is to ensure elections can’t happen until the Baddies are sure they will get their two-thirds. And as long as the Baidya faction is going to split the Baddie vote, or the Madhesis remain at each other’s throats, elections are going to be put off on one pretext or the other. The latest excuse put forward by the Regmi regime is: snow in November.
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The beauty of appointing Kleptokrat Karki as the head of the corruption watchdog is that he is going to be much more powerful than KRR or the technokrat kabinet. The man is now going to have the power to clip the wings of anyone that his mentors take a dislike to. For the next six years politicians will have to pay off the CIAA before they can take kickbacks. And you can be sure that Nepal will take great economic strides because the control on constructive corruption will be controlled.
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By now we have tried just about everything to stop corruption. First we passed laws against it. That didn’t work. We tried sending officials on governance junkets to Singapore, they just came back with electronic consumer items and bribed their way through customs. We doubled their salaries and tried five-day weeks so they could moonshine on weekends, but the hanky-panky just got worse.
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There is some hope that the Human Genome Project, which has sequenced our chromosomes, will now be able to pinpoint the exact genes for greed. People who are genetically susceptible to purloining public funds can be detected well in advance if their DNA has versions of the gene responsible for secreting the hormone, corruption-enhancing-receptor protein (CERP). And if they do, they can be barred from holding public office. By splicing the gene for the Madagascar tree hornet (known for its selfless devotion to the welfare of the hive) into the human sequence responsible for CERP, you can actually craft a transgenic, honest human being.
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If that doesn’t work, we only have one other option: legalise corruption. That way, all transactions will be transparent and above board. A 7% Graft Surcharge on underhand deals can be used to finance development projects. Corruption will actually contribute to Nepal’s per capita GDP.