Although us male asses are supposed to be from Mars and those of the female persuasion are supposed to be from Venus, space robots that have been looking under rocks on the surface of the Red Planet these past weeks have found no traces of primitive masculine life forms there. Perhaps if NASA’s quest for intelligent life in our current solar system had concentrated on Venus it would have met with more success. Anyway, the good news is that space scientists have now found proof of water on Mars, although no traces of it have yet been discovered in the Sanepa area.
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Back here on Planet Earth we are getting ready to mark another Intergalactic Women’s Day and it is time to pay tribute to the longstanding struggle of women from all walks of life for equal rights with their not-so-better halves. If men can make complete asses of themselves, it is argued, then women should also have the right to make she-asses of their good selves. This is what gender equality is all about. Over the ages, in the arena of behaving like idiots, it was us men who enjoyed an unfair, but well-deserved, monopoly. But it was never pre-ordained by the Creator which sex should have more morons (although the Almighty seems to have a say on which morons should have more sex). So, if women too want to be as idiomatic as us men, then where is the harm?
Having had a headstart, members of the male species have an unjust advantage in the race to be the more asinine sex. Women have a lot of catching up to do, but given perseverance, commitment, and determinism they can be as idiosyncratic as us, if not more. Some mama’s boys may have their egos slightly dented when they see women overtaking them in the long march towards mediocrity, but they should take solace in the fact that imitation is the best form of flattery. What would be more delightful than to see women civil servants mimicking men as they also squeeze zits in public while sunning themselves on the balcony of the Department of Women and Labour?
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Ever since cave men dragged cave women by the hair and chewed mastodon entrails with their mouths open, right down to the modern industrial age where men still haven’t learnt to stow their toilet seats in an upright position during takeoff and landing, us he-men have been rightly called the ‘stronger’ sex. Speaking of which, a recent survey has found that men, on average, think about sex 23 hours a day and the remaining one hour they spend in extracurricular activities such as squeezing aforementioned zits in the Department of Manpower during which time they don’t think about anything in particular.
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So, if wimmin want to play catch-up with us chaps, they will have to take up some manlike hobbies, such as:
** Not just complain that you have a headache, but become headaches yourselves
** Learn how to not communicate and give the spouse The Silent Treatment
** Let your eyes rove all over the member of the opposite sex, taking time to closely inspect the front fender and the boot
** Use the Holi holiday to go on an all-out offensive against the other sex and blame it on the alcohol
** Treat anyone who has the nerve to overtake you on the Lajimpat uphill as a collective challenge to your gender
** When lost in a strange city, never ask for directions to prove that you’d rather be lost than found
These simple behaviour changes will allow even the most feminine woman to be as macho as the hairiest of us testosterone-filled numbskulls who are proud to call ourselves he men.