29 Apr - 5 May 2016 #806

Just loving it here


Since the Ass’ phone is tapped, I’d like to tell whoever is listening to this conversation how glad I am that we are back to the days of the Punch Ayat. Every country goes through cycles in its history, with its ups and downs. It may not look like it to the casual observer, but Nepal is on an upswing simply because we had hit rock bottom, and now there is nowhere to go but up. 

The news this week that the Republic Tower (above) construction is going ahead is a sign that Nepal is rising again from the rubblement. National pride is more important than rebuilding homes, and that is why the Oligarchy is in a tearing hurry to build an Ode To a Republic while we are still one. The architecture of the new erection is also highly symbolic, since it looks like a cross between the Qutub Minar and a Soyuz Rocket on the launch pad, signifying that Nepal is ready for a blastoff into the unknown.

Since time is of the essence, there are many other monuments we should build to restore national confidence:

Federalism Obelisk:

The plan is to keep the ruins of Dharara (above) in as-where-is condition and dedicate it as a monumental folly to federalism.

Pillar of the Constitution:

Since the constitution is a work in progress, and we have run out of money, we will temporarily turn the water tank of the BICC (above), rename it the Constitution Pillar and hold a ceremony there every Constitution Day. 

Secularism Edifice: Nothing will underline the edifice complex of the grovelment more than erecting a giant 17-storey phallus in the shape of a Lingam on Tundikhel where we can all collectively offer prayers to the Almighty to keep Nepal strictly secular in the unforeseeable future.   Every country has its pros and cons. Tell me one country that doesn’t. On some days it feels like our con men outweigh our pros, but such days are rare. That is why I get impatient with people who are always whining on about the state of Nepal. One of the most uplifting things about being a Nepali in this day and age is that we know it is a federal, secular, democratic republic with great potential. Potentially, we have the potential to all be potentates, and that’s what counts. 

It helps sometimes, for future reference, to draw up our own individual lists of what we like about Nepal as a sort of guide to remind ourselves of the little blessings that we take for granted every day. Here is my list: 

1. Nepalis smile through all troubles, no matter how hard the times we always see the glass as half full because we know that things are going to get much worse and we may as well enjoy it while things are relatively better. 

2. Nepal will post a 2% growth in the coming last fiscal year, which means everything will grow: the deficit, the concentration of particles below ten microns at Gwarko, and according to a news item this week in the national dailies ‘the flesh trade mushroomed’. 

3. We have lots of holidays, and there are more coming.

4. Free weight loss clinics: politicians can now burn off ill-gotten fat by taking part in relay hunger strikes. We know it is hard not to eat for three hours, but hey, no pain no gain. 

5. The Minister of Animal Husbandry and Midwifery has announced that Nepal will be self-sufficient in bovine semen. No mention of in-vitro fertilisation for us she-Asses, but I’m sure they’re working on it.

6. Kathmandu’s roads may have potholes, but they are paved with good intentions. 

7. We never do today what can be done the day after tomorrow. 

8. Eight down, two to go. 

9. Um...running out of things I like about Nepal. 

10. Oh, yes, Nepal Telecom’s mobile phone system has some of the lowest prices in the world, my bill for last month was zero. The reason: I couldn’t actually make any calls because the network was always busy.

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