9-15 June 2017 #862



It was to be expected, given what the country had to go through during his past three eventful tenures as prime minister, that Rt Hon’ble Share Budder would plunge headlong into a full-blown national crisis as soon as he was sworn in this week. No, it wasn’t the Saudi blockade of Qatar and its impact on 600,000 Nepalis there who have to endure yet another godforesaken blockade. It wasn’t even the sordid saga of the Varatpur Vote Vandalism. The national crisis in question, of course, is the move by a BJP leader in Jammu who on Tuesday announced a ban on momos because (kid you not) teenagers in his state were getting addicted to dumplings. 

What us patriotic flag-waving Nepalis want to know is what Prime Minister Dubya IV is going to do about India declaring war on our momo? Are we going to just summon the Indian Ambassador to hand him a diplomatic démarche and/or aide-mémoire, and leave it at that? Do we have the gonads to go as far as threatening to cut off diplomatic ties unless dumplings are restored their rightful place in Kashmiri cuisine? If you agree, tweet with hashtag: #momowasborninnepal In the oath of office he took before the President on Wednesday at Shitall Niwas, the prime minister swore to defend Nepal’s sovereignty and territorial ambitions, while safeguarding our glorious symbol of national identity — the jhol momo. No matter where in the world the lumps of meat are wrapped in foreskin to be steamed, momos have been and will always be an integral part of the Nepali way of life, and any attack anywhere on our dumplings will hereby be deemed an attack on us. We are even prepared to invade Lhasa again to defend our intellectual property right over the dumpling recipe. And that’s a threat.

Soon after his swearing Prime Minister Dubya swore again when he saw the news about the J&K momo ban. So, he sat down with his new FinMin and discussed priorities:

1. Holding three elections before January 2018 and making sure that all other relatives of outgoing PM Dahal are assured victories in mayoral, vice-mayoral or ward mafia don positions. Candidates trailing in future vote counts will be given full authority by the Erectile Commission to tear up ballot papers to force retallies, and once victorious winning candidates will be conferred Suprabal Janasewasri Padak awards on the next Republican Day or Democratic Day, whichever comes first.

2. Require all foreign investors who paid cronies kickbacks to sign Projects of National Pride and Prejudice just before PKD gobblement stepped down to fork out additional monies to new cronies to revalidate license.

3. In the interest of the smooth functioning of the state, uphold the grand tradition to promote junior unqualified police chiefs, arm-twist the Chief Justice and threaten Election Commission if they don’t do as instructed. 

4. Sign an executive order allowing prime ministerial motorcades and motorcades of all 15 deputy prime ministers to toot their own horns and nearly mow down pedestrians on zebras.

5. If India bans momos, ban pani puris in retaliation. 

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