Nepal’s glorious Maoist revolutionaries used to burst bombs, these days they burst into tears.
Just the other day Comrade Horrible, who also serves as the Minister of Vermiculture and Manure in the Unlikely Oli Coalition, shed
copious tears on emerging from a cinema in Kathmandu after watching the film Rahdani.
Political analysts are divided whether these were crocodile tears, or if they belonged to an alligator. But whichever the reptile in question, there is no gainsaying that the good comrade must have been over-wrought not because of the movie, but because news had just come in that the CPN(Maoist) had split again into yet another faction, bringing the total number of splinter groups now to seven.
The Ass would be the first ungulate to openly admit that there is a lot happening in this country that makes it want to cry. But our politicians have lately taken public displays of weeping to a whole new dimension, and there is just too much competition out there. They have perfected political dirge as an art, and developed it over and beyond what we thought was possible in an emerging democracy like ours truly.
Comrade Horrible is not the first Maoist to sob uncontrollably in public. His boss, Awesome Chairman Lotus Flower has been known time and again to use public weeping as an eyewash. Every year when the Maoists mark Martyr’s Day, Comrade Gluteus Maximus chokes up and cannot hold back his tears in memory of the selfless sacrifice of his executioners.
PKD and BRB never had any love lost for each other, were rivals throughout their time together underground, and ultimately went their separate ways. But what few people know is that there used to be stiff competition between #1 and #2 in the Annual Revolutionary Crying Competition (Party slogan: “He whose cry lasts, cries best.”) And as the two top comrades took part lustily in their howling contest, the gathered cadre were often moved to tears seeing the kind of leaders they were laying down their lives for.
The other Maobuddy leader who is known to start crying right on cue without any prompting whatsoever is Comrade Kazi Narayan. The man is a pro. He can cry for no reason at all, and has a guaranteed slot in Kollywood if his political career should ever fizzle out.
Crying is nothing new in Nepali politics. Chandra Sumshare (yes, the same vertically challenged Sri Tin who wore high heels) once cried for his beloved country during a graduation ceremony at a college he named after himself, Tri Chandra. Historians differ on the reason for that particular outburst, but it seems to have been a case of a royal overdose of snuff.
The Panchayat had its cry babies too. The grand old man of Nepal’s politico-civil society, Comrade Rotten Lotus, who has survived everything from an absolute monarchy to royal-military coups, right up to our splendifluous people’s democracy, has been known to weep at the drop of a hat. He cried when the country was partyless, and he cried when the country was multi-party, and he cried at parties, too.
Then there was the late Ganesh Man Singh of the NC who proved that crying was a great way for a politician to relieve stress while at the same time gaining sympathy votes. Crying became so common during functions at which he was chief guest that the hosts felt there was something seriously amiss if Ganesh Man Uncle didn’t shed a tear in the national interest.
Not to be outdone, the UML also appointed its own tear leader who is called upon for crying out loud at public functions just so that the Kangresis did not shed more tears, and garner more support from the electorate. We hear Pradip Nepal is always on standby for emergency deployment in case there is Kangresi speaker on the dais who can outcry the eh-Maleys.
Anti-government protests have become more creative of late, so that instead of burning tyres some have taken to the streets in Rua-Basi Julus (Weeping Protests) on the south gate of Singha Darbar where they pretend to weep, wail and cry loudly to protest whatever they are protesting about. The trouble with fake crying is: how are we to tell if someone is genuinely driven to tears by the state of the country?
As a nation, we may be proud of our professional criers but we have a long way to go to match North Korea, where the entire national population can be induced to cry at death anniversaries of the Great and Dear Leaders. We need to be in a tearing hurry if we are to catch up.