3-9 June 2016 #811

You stab my back, I stab yours


Given the number of clowns who populate our government and the comedy that is politics today, it is time for the Ass to throw in the towel. The competition is just too fierce. These guys are really good, and they are putting amateurs like us out of business. Every time the Prime Minister gets up to speak, for instance, it is just one long stand-up comedy routine, and he has the whole country ROFL and LMAO simultaneously. 

The Ass has been keeping careful count ever since the 12-point agreement in Naye Dilli in November 2005, various parties in or out of gobarmint have concluded a total of 1,543 points of agreement — and counting. That is the way we have done the business of politics here in Nepal for the past 11 years: whenever there is a point of disagreement we first grab each other by our testimonials and when the mutual squeezing gets too painful to bear, we let go and sit down to hammer out a multi-point agreement. 

And the more points, the merrier. Why settle for 9 points when there can be 19? Thusly, by the end of the day, both sides have a face-saving compromise so they can let go of the vice-like grip they have on each other’s gonads and live to conclude another multi-pronged agreement at a later date. Sometimes there is a disagreement about how many points of agreement there should be, and that is also easily settled with a 4.44-point agreement. The whole point about points is that the points are not meant to ever be fulfilled. In fact, the only point they agree on is that none of the points they agree on are supposed to be honoured. 

Take the 9-point agreement signed between Prime Minister Oily and Chairman Awestruck recently. Both sides were very clear that the 9 points were not legally binding. They even signed a top secret 3-point supplementary agreement within the 9-point agreement detailing the exact sequence of events on Oily stepping down after the budget to allow Awe-inspiring to become the primordial monster. The beauty of this 9+3-Point Accord was that both comrades knew that even the 3 points were not really going to be fulfilled. That is how fellow-communists have always shared power through this ingenious system of you-stab-my-back-I-stab-yours.\ Now that the Ass’s assets are frozen stiff and the donkey will soon be out of a job because of these clowns, I have my own 19-point demand which the grovelment will ignore at its own peril:

1. The government should, right this minute, demand back territory ceded to the East India Company in the Sugauli Treaty, restore the country’s pre-1814 boundaries and if necessary declare war on Great Britain for the sake of even Greater Nepal.

2. OK, if that’s not possible then let the prime minister show just how nationalistic he is by getting us back Kalapani.

3. Never mind, just make sure for now that Border Pillar no 138 on the Mechi River is moved 20 m to the east and restored to its original upright position. 

4. Comedians and court jesters thrown out of their jobs because of stiff competition from politicians should be compensated with an outright ex gratia payment to the amount of, but not exceeding, 1 kharab, 23 arabs and 98 corrodes.

5. Having said that, and come to think of it, just declare me a martyr and hand me 10 lacks. 

6. My sixth demand is that all my previous demands including the 137-point ultimatum delivered to the Ministry of Midwifery, Animal Husbandry and Aquaculture be fulfilled post-haste. 

7. Otherwise we may be forced to list all those 137 demands right here point-by-point and that may take till midnight, or until the cows come home, whichever happens later. 

8. Oh yes, can I have a coffee? Black, no sugar.

 9. All right, the budget allows journalists free dialysis treatment, but we’d also like free liver transplants please. And free haircuts.

10. We’re only up to 10? When are we ever going to get to 19 points? 

11. So, moving right along to the next point in the agenda: we demand that these demands be taken seriously with a pinch of salt. If not the Ass will go on a hungry strike and skip afternoon snacks until the cows come home. 

12. Anyone detained by the Abusive Authoritarians will have the option of choosing the nature of their detention by ticking the applicable box(es): 

When arrested, I want to be under:  

  • Court Arrest 

  • House Arrest 

  • Cardiac Arrest 

13. Everything in Nepal should be free of cost, and all subscriptions to newspapers should come with gold bricks and/or diamond necklaces. 

14. The Ass will suspend all protests on weekends and national holidays without prior notice. Management will not be responsible for the consequences. 

15. Make available Journalist Discounts on all international and domesticated flights with immediate effect, otherwise we will create nuisances on board that may endanger the safety of fellow passengers and ourselves.

16. The next 2 demands (17 and 18) are non-negotiable. They can never be met.

19. Prime Minister Oily should stop clowning around. That’s our job.

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