The Landlocked Federal Kleptocratic Oli-garchy of Nepal recently hit by an unnatural disaster and on the verge of being declared a flailing state has urgent vacancy for a tall, pot-bellied, homely, convent-educated teetotaler, fair-skinned vegetarian DV-eligible upper caste Prime Minister to replace incumbent who is getting a bit long in the tooth, and to prevent another dude in a desperate hurry to get the job, from pulling a fast one.
Age, disabilities, gender if any, marital status, eating habits, incontinence and incompetence no bar. The post-holder ideally should be octogenarian or above, and have served multiple previous tenures as prime minister wherein he/she/it should have paid ample lip-service to “people’s democracy”, exercised the freedom to execute class enemies following torture, indulged in bombing passenger buses, wanton vandalism and arson. Candidate should have a demonstrated talent for coercive fund-raising (known in some dialects as ‘extortion’), shown a can-do attitude towards backsheesh, and exhibited decisiveness when it comes to bandfand and bhagbanda.
Photo: Bikram Rai
The prospective prime minister must have a proven ability to obstruct parliamentary proceedings for up to, but not exceeding, three months at a stretch. Should have blocked off the entire country and parts thereof for a cumulative period of at least 36 days in any given year. Candidate should also submit signed affidavits from international contractors to attest for experience in delaying projects of national prestige through wheeling and dealing. Must have recommendations in writing from at least three referees from the country’s leading business houses to guarantee the capacity to amass ill-gotten wealth.
Candidate should be of sound mind and body, and be in possession of at least one kidney and/or a functioning heart. Should have wife to assist with creative account-keeping. Should have wide, but expandable, girth.
DUTIES INCLUDE:
- Dozing through Cabinet meetings and taking cat-naps in parliament.
- Build personal rapport with leaders of a certain neighbouring country to the south whose capital is made of two words that begin with ‘N’ and ‘D’ so that no decision, however small, is taken without their nod.
- Wear outsized badges, cut ribbons, and blabber inanities from the podium for live nationwide broadcasts on state tv after awarding plaques and shields to victors in inter-services taekwondo tournaments.
- Keep a collection of well-preserved skeletons in the Cabinet.
EXPERIENCE REQUIRED:
- Should have stamina and endurance to wear 25-kg marigold garlands, have at least 20-year experience in lamp lighting, khada wearing and bouquet accepting with flair and aplomb befitting of the prime minister of a Least Developed Country.
- Must have obstructed constitution-writing, refused to extend the tenure of local bodies, and sent goons to beat up journalists during past tenures.
- Must have a Masters in Horse-trading and a PhD in Sycophancy from an unrecognised university.
- Must have made an Ass of himself/herself at least once in career.
SALARY: Negotiable but has in-built perks, life-time medical treatment including liposuction, eligiblility for maternity allowance if male.
Apply with brain scan and full body MRI showing recent abdominal contours to Singha Darbar West Gate. Mark envelope: ‘Has-been Wannabe’.
GONe is an equal opportunities employer. Everybody deserves a fifth chance.