At most social gatherings in the post-Modi era of Nepali history, the conversation sooner or later turns to traffic in Mandu, and the state thereof. Now, with the frothcoming Shark Summit, traffic rules will be changed. It is hence mandatory in the interest of public safety for all road users to read these FAQs:
Q: Which side of the road do I generally drive on in Nepal?
A: Generally, we drive on the left, but generals can drive on either side. Being a democratic and inclusive federal republic, road dividers have now been removed so citizens can also drive on whichever side of the road they fancy, exercising their constitutionally guaranteed right to the Freedom of Movement upheld last week on the road outside the Supreme Court. Street centerlines have also been erased, they were just a humble suggestion anyway.
Q: What do I do if there is an escorted VVVVIP convoy trying to overtake me at Tribhuvan Salik?
A: Pull over, give the dirty finger while it passes, but immediately tail-gate the escort vehicle otherwise you’ll be stuck at the Salik forever.
Q: What are the rules on the use of turn indicators?
A: In the city: a blinking right sidelight means vehicle is thinking of turning right but isn’t sure, it could be left. On highways: blinking right signal means car behind can overtake even if there is a distinct possibility he will plunge into the Trisuli. While stationary: a right sidelight on Ringworm Road means I’ve parked in a no-parking zone, but I’m pretending I’m not parked, because I have dashed into Bajeko Sekuwa and Tass for a takeout.
Q: On the Jawalakhel Traffic Circle what are the rules on the right of way?
A: Four legs good, two wheels bad. Give way to cattle approaching from the right, but if it is an incoming Maruti, accelerate immediately and beat him to the turn.
Q: Have the authorities made up their minds on the use of smart phones while driving?
A: Yes. The ban on the use of smart phones while driving has been revoked because the #$%&* thing never works anyway. Tweeting while driving is allowed because it may be your last tweet.
Q: Do I have to be careful about honking?
A: Can’t hear you. Oh yes, anyone failing to honk incessantly while driving could have his/her/its license confiscated. Honking alerts road-users outside hospitals and schools about your presence, and failure to toot one’s own trumpet is tantamount to reckless endangerment of pedestrians.
Q: Do I really need to wear a helmet?
A: Yes, wearing helmets is compulsory for pedestrians, especially if you are walking under the influence. Motorcycle drivers are also required to wear protective headgear, but the wife sitting behind is not. Their 5-year-old son sitting on the fuel tank doesn’t need a helmet, but he can wear shades if he so wishes.
Q: What is the latest on parking?
A: Parallel parking in unparalleled situations is henceforth banned for private vehicles. Taxis, however, are allowed to park anywhere as long as they block junctions. A taxi that parks leaving ample room for through traffic is liable to prosecution under the Waste of Public Space Act.
Q: Can I use an international driving license in Nepal?
A: A valid national driving license from places where driving conditions are similar to Nepal (Eritrea, Djibouti, Burkina Faso, the Far Side of the Moon) may be used. Expats from other countries need to sit for a written exam and a driving test. Fine print: Neither the driver nor the license should have expired.
Q: What is the point of zebra crossings?
A: My thoughts exactly. Pedestrians are heretoafter banned during rush hour for their own safety and because they slow traffic movement. If a pedestrian does try to break the law by crossing a zebra with an ass, drivers should accelerate, flash and honk to warn them off. Livestock, dogs, rhesus monkeys, uncastrated goats, zoo elephants, wedding horses, water buffalos, leopards, chicken and other street fauna (except zebras) can cross the road at their own convenience as long as they can satisfactorily explain why it is that they want to get to the other side.
Q: Speaking of which, is it legal to carry stuffed animals on the rear window?
A: All cars must keep cute fluffly animals behind the back seat and on dashboard to make a car interior feel like home. Since we spend so much time in them, vehicles are also required by law to be retrofitted with the following accessories by January 1st: toilet with shower, small bar, gym with treadmill, broadband Internet. For emergencies, all cars must also be fitted with rocket-propelled ejection seats.
Q: Do I have to wear a seatbelt?
A: This is a trick question, right? In the interest of road safety, seat-belts are mandatory at all times, even if you have been waiting at the petrol station since 9:30 yesterday morning. This is to restrain drivers who want to get out and strangle someone.