10-16 July 2015 #766

Advisory on advisories

Ass
A word of advice for all of you out there who take seriously travel advisories and warnings about visiting Nepal: your government is just trying to cover its legal ass. Be brave, ignore it. Better still, hire your own lawyers and bring them along for your Annapurna trek. 

Now, here is a little known fact: three times more Nepalis left Nepal in the last fiscal year than tourists entering Nepal. Which means that we should be more concerned about the security of our own nationals than the safety of visiting alien anti-nationals. We shouldn’t take all those advisories by western countries lying down because according to the Vienna Convention and its amendment on Rules Governing Reciprocity in International Relationships to which Nepal is a signatory, we reserve the legal right to declare war on countries that restrict their nationals from visiting us. 

So, while the Nepal Army gets preparations underway to launch a military expeditionary force to invade Great Britain (and continue where we left off before being rudely interrupted in our hostilities in 1816) in retaliation against the FCO’s travel advisory, it may behoove GONe to think about issuing tit-for-tat advisories for Nepalis visiting other highly hazardous countries in the western and southern hemispheres. 

In order to assist the Ministry of Affairs with Foreigners (MoAF) which is currently too busy issuing passports to think about anything else, the Ass has prepared below a list of suggested travel advisories for Nepali nationals desirous of travelling abroad. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, and ignore these at your own peril: 

FOREIGN TRAVEL ADVICE

For Nepali Nationals

1. UK

MoAF advises against all but essential travel to Great Britain at the present time, mainly because it’s all but impossible for a Nepali to get a bloody visa. But if, by some divine luck, you are awarded a visa and are sober enough the next morning after a night of wild partying to catch your flight out, Nepalis are strongly advised to be on high alert. Skinheads are not Brits who are in mourning, and if they wear swastika tattoos it may not necessarily mean they are Hindus. Approach with extreme caution in East London, do not greet them in Hindi with “Namaste”. Avoid other extremists with distinctive red necks, wearing heavy boots, studs and rings in their eyebrows.

2. USA

MoAF has upgraded the threat level for all Nepalis travelling to the United States in the unforeseeable future. All but the bravest of the brave should defer travel to the US because of an uncertain international situation caused by the lack of Nepali passports. All non-essential travel has therefore been suspended unless such journeys are absolutely essential for purposes of illegally overstaying, and if you are willing to stand in line for three months outside Naryanhiti for your MRP.

But, if you have to go then you have to go. However, exercise maximum caution when visiting inner city Chicago, south-central Los Angeles, Miami, and parts of Texas unless armed with your own khukuri, the Knepali Knational Knife. MoAF says that although there are no instances of Nepalis being specifically targeted because they are from Nepal by dudes carrying automatic assault rifles, visitors are nevertheless warned to exercise extreme care, and wear Kevlar suits, body armour, helmets and groin guards at all times when venturing out. Oh, yes, and avoid all essential travel to California unless accompanied by Dwayne Johnson aka “The Rock”. 



3. Malaysia

Nepali contract workers going to Malaysia should be aware that they face high risk from immigration officials, manpower agencies and labour brokers -- at Kathmandu Airport. Travellers should exercise extreme caution, and offer appropriate baksheesh, otherwise they may be prevented from leaving. Despite a government order abolishing fees and airfares for Nepali workers, manpower agencies have padlocked the Department of Labour to demand their right to exploit and extort fellow-Nepalis. Things should be fine once the workers actually reach Malaysia.

4. UAE

Nepali researchers working on PhDs on migrant workers, academics, and anyone who has ever used the hashtag #futureguggenheim, are forewarned that there exists a slight possibility of them disappearing without trace for a few days after landing in Dubai. MoAF strongly advises Nepalis not to talk to strangers on the streets, carry Mace, and drink lots of water to prevent dehydration.

5. Planet Earth

MoAF advises all Knepali knationals against non-essential travel to Europe because of heightened tensions in Ukraine and the danger that it could escalate into full-scale World War III, engulfing the planet in a nuclear winter. Nepalis are also urged to exercise caution when travelling with dependents anywhere in the world because of the threat of catastrophic volcanic eruptions accompanied by giant tsunamis that may plunge Planet Earth into a new Ice Age. There is also the possibility that the sky will fall one day, and the world will end when the Earth is hit by a giant asteroid. So, stay home. Don’t go anywhere.

Read also:

Fixing tourism, Karma Gurung

Fixing what's broken, Editorial

Where have all the tourists gone?, Tsering Dolker Gurung

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