3-9 July 2015 #765

Nepali by descent


As the members of the august house put finishing touches to the new constitution of the Patriarchal Demographic Republic of Nepal, we are glad to see that great care has been taken to prevent people from unnecessarily becoming citizens of this country. It’s already crowded here. Go away.

Our rulers have decided that even babies born wholly within Nepali territory to Nepali mothers cannot be Nepalis by descent. In this day and age, this is a vital precaution to conserve the Nepaliness of the DNA strands in the Nepali Y-chromosome so that it is not contaminated by any foreign bodies

One can’t be too careful about ascertaining the purity of our race when millions of men are queuing up at the open border to cross over and marry our women in droves. That is why we’d rather offer citizenship to non-resident Nepalis than to non-Nepali residents. We should be proud that this country’s democratically elected rulers are well aware that the rest of the world is just dying to become citizens of Nepal so as to avail themselves of the world class quality of life that we enjoy here.   There are many advantages to being a proud Nepali citizen, and I enumerate some of them below:  

1.  Nepal was never colonised, and this proud fact we cannot quantify in dollars and cents or in per capita GDP.

2. Nepal has the potential to generate 73,000 megawatts of electricity, living proof of the adage: “It’s the thought that counts.”

3. The world’s tallest dwarf is a Nepali citizen.

4. Because we believe in reincarnation there is a fat chance that you will also be reborn a Nepali citizen, but only if your mother did not marry a foreigner in her previous life.

5.  Buddha was born in Nepal to a father and mother both of whom had Nepali citizenship papers rubber stamped in triplicate by the VDC secretary.

6.  Arniko’s father and mother were both Nepalis. Unfortunately he went on to become a Chinese citizen. But, hey, once a Nepali man always a Nepali.

7. Bhrikuti married a Tibetan king, and we rightly denied their offspring Nepali citizenship, and later invaded Lhasa.

8. Tenzing Norgay became an Indian and that’s all I have to say about that.

9.  If you like mud, be a citizen, we have turned the whole country into Glastonbury.

10.  Live in Nepal and reduce your carbon footprint to zero. Save the planet by moving to Kathmandu.

11.  Relocate to Nepal and develop chronic gastro-enteritis. The world’s most effective weight-loss program. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.

12.  Emigrate to Kathmandu, it’s still dark at night. The only capital in the world from which the Milky Way is visible. This week’s attraction: Venus and Jupiter tight and bright in the western sky.

13.  Experience the joys of living in a patriarchy and former monarchy.

14.  Look at the bright side: no one chops off your hand for stealing.

15. … or executes you for corruption.

16.  In fact, there is always a way to get a citizenship card. Psst, call me.


A lot of valued clients thought the Ass was joking when last week’s column declared a moratorium on laughter given the state of emergency that has been declared in Kathmandu. Well, guess what, it wasn’t a joke. It is our duty to inform all concerned authorities, heads of constitutional bodies, public sector torsos and members of the international communists that laughing in public is henceforth banned in all 75 districts until further notification.

Guffaws, giggles and chuckles are hereby declared against the national interest, since they distract attention from the reconstruction and rehabilitation that is being undertaken on a war-footing. This will allow us to focus exclusively on our country’s most serious problem: the continued inability to take things seriously.

All four big parties as well as the 33-member opposition alliance have signed in to stop the misuse of laughter in all its forms, and they will start with the live broadcast of CA proceedings which is the source of much mirth all over the country. It is extremely detrimental for our national morale, our territorial imperative and sovereignty that the entire nation breaks into gales of laughter while watching the Minister of Agriculture trying to plant his seedlings. It’s not funny, OK. Agriculture makes up 80% of Nepal’s GDP. 

I don’t speak in jest when I assert that the mouth organs of government lack a certain gravitas. They will therefore be forced to refrain from outright comedy while slinging mud at each other, to wit: they will be forced to look and sound more crest-fallen as befitting the times. 

Political parties (motto: “He who laughs last is history”) also need to be disciplined since they don’t seem to realise that there are limits to the average per capita duration that an adult Nepali can break into paroxysms of laughter on any given day. Spare a thought for those compatriots who just can laugh no more. Journalists also need to be reminded that the draft of the constitution will curtail their freedom to laugh at themselves since this will have a negative impact on our sense of national self-esteem, self-importance, self-aggrandisement and ultimately erode our self-defence. After all, we are all Nepalis in descent.

Read also:

There is a draft, Editorial

#citizenshipthroughmothers, Tsering Dolker Gurung

Burning issues, Anurag Acharya

Constituiton deal inked, Om Astha Rai

First draft ready

Citizenship through mothers

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