Whew, it’s been a long wait but well worth it for PKD, BRB, KPO, KPS, RCP and SBD. Now that a shotgun constitution is going to be promulgificated on Sunday, we are finally going to get confirmation of what all the fun and games were all about for the sheesh netas: band-fand and lane-dane to be in grumblement.
However, it is sad that we have to now bid adieu to the reign of PM Jhusil Da. We have to remember with gratitude all his accomplishments, the most major of which was to keep awake for at least a part of his two-year tenure. And since he is such a modest man, we will enumerate those achievements for you as soon as we find out what they were. It’s going to take some digging, but we have unleashed our best investigative reporters so we should have some results for you by the time you finish reading this column.
While we wait, the Ass has to commend the Energetic Ministry for having made the bold announcement that this winter, load-shedding will be slashed to 12 hours a day. This is a major accomplishment. I know, some of you are grumbling and saying that means we will be without electricity for half a day. But look at the bright side, be optimistic, consider that we will have electricity for half a day. It’s a miracle that the gobblement has managed to defy the laws of supply and demand, and ensure that power cuts decrease even though demand has gone up and supply has gone down. How was this possible?
Nepal’s energy czars came up with a cunning plan which is top secret and is only published here if you promise not to Tweet it. Management will not be responsible for the consequences if you are arrested for violating both the Electronic Transactions Act 2069 and the Official Secrets Act 2072. It is a 10-point strategy that will eliminate load-shedding completely in the unpredictable future:
1. The new Constricution has been so crafted that someone somewhere is sure to be disgruntled sometime. Which means kranti-curries of every hue will be enforcing shutdowns, strikes, hurt-alls and bunds in at least one-third of Nepal’s land area at any given time. The industrial corridors in the Tarai, which are the biggest consumers of electricity, will be especially targeted for strikes. Cumulatively, this will cut peak hour electricity demand on the national grid by half.
2. The grubberment will declare four-day weekends nationwide this winter to slash energy demand and make winter hibernation mandatory for all karmacharis.
3. And to prevent from staying home and burning precious electricity to watch tv, the government has banned cable and satellite channels with immediate effect thereby eliminating a major source of power consumption. People will be encouraged to watch music videos of Bhim Niraula on YouTube on their phones.
4. Nepal’s population will be reduced by 3 million in the coming fiscal year by giving people free passports and paying for one-way tickets to the Gulf. That’s another 17.8% off peak energy demand.
5. Crack down on hookers. No, not a crackdown on the red light district, but dismantling wires hooked to transmission lines that are responsible for one third of the power loss in this country. (This, for once, is a deadly serious suggestion.)
6. There are 5,000 treadmills in Nepal, installing dynamos in all of them will turn gyms into generators and add another 10 megawatts to the grid.
7. About mid-January ask every loyal citizen of this country to go attend to a particular call of nature on the banks of the Kulekhani Reservoir in order to augment its generation capacity. This will increase peak energy capacity by 5 million kWh in winter. Free beer will be provided as diuretic.
8. Ask the Japanese to donate us one of their decommissioned nuclear power plants.
9. Put Nepal Airlines’ two 757s out of their misery and permanently ground them at TIA to rig up their four Rolls Royce RB211 jet engines as powerplants to generate 28 extra megawatts.
10. Store and use hot air emitted during meetings of sheesh netas to generate steam to power turbines as a source of limitless geo-thermal energy.
Sorry, came up with zilch on Jhusil Da. Nada. Nothing.
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10 cunning ways to cut load-shedding, The Ass