22-28 September 2017 #877

Run like hell

The Ass has been reminded that this week’s Dasain issue of the paper carries the 900th edition of this column. I didn’t know anyone was counting. All I can say is that time p-asses really quick around here.

It is therefore incumbent upon yours sincerely to mark this milestone with the solemnity it deserves, because the Editor has decided to sell his soul to Mammon and sacrificed the donkey’s designated space on the back side and squeezed the Ass into one of these inside pages. I will therefore not beat around the burning bush indulging in the usual idle banter, frivolous chitchat, supposedly witty repartees, innuendos about the Ministry of Interior Decoration, or allegedly humorous asides about the posterior body parts of those currently holding the highest office in the land.

No, today we shall tackle deadly serious national issues so that we can roll up our loins and gird our sleeves to ensure that Fedex Elections are held as scheduled in November. We should doubly redouble our efforts to pooh-pooh a new Constitution that suits the glorious Nepali mud. It protects everyone’s equal right in our democracy to pillage and plunder, which is why the Prime Minister was not satisfied with 54 ministerial berths, and last week gave birth to two more out of immaculate conception.  

Some of us have fond memories of the Punchayat, when there was iron discipline and obedience throughout the land, the Jayanagar-Janakpur train was still getting derailed, momos were all non-veg, and although political freedom was curtailed, we were free to drink and drive. Some of you will find it hard to remember those days because as a matter of fact, and for all intents and purposes, you may not have been born as yet. Corruption then was not as pervasive as it is today and was carefully centralised.

But enough of this nostalgia, there is too much talk, we need action. "Your Excellencies, Dishonoured Ministers, Outlawed Parties and In-Laws in the Cabinet, tax officials out on bail, sacked head of the Nepal Oil Corruption, friends and foes, gentlemen and the lady at the back who is getting ready to hurl a rotten egg in the general direction of the podium. 

The title of my talk today is ‘The Present Predicament and How to Get Out of It’. Here is what you do if you want a way out: get up slowly without anyone noticing, walk in single file down the aisle as unobtrusively as possible towards doors marked ‘Exit’ of which there are two in the front and two at the back. When you are outside, run like hell. Thank you for your attention, and see you all on the outside."

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