Nepali Times

So much sewage has flowed down the Bagmuddy since the last edition of the Rough Guide to Nepal that much of the information therein is out of date. Hence, we have taken the trouble today to suggest the following revisions:

FACTS ABOUT NEPAL: Nepal is an India-locked Himalayan Free-To-Openly-Defecate Ex-Kingdom that is situated in yam-like fashion between two big dudes, one of which keeps throwing its weight around. Because of its strategic location between India and China, Nepal is rich in history, geography but weak in arithmetic. Visitors are advised before boarding their flight to Nepal to reconfirm that the country still exists. 

GETTING THERE: Most of the the fun and excitement about Nepal is trying to get there. Kathmandu is connected to the rest of the world by a national flag carrier since there is a current shortage in Nepal of the country’s unique trigonometric banner. The journey to Nepal is both unpredictable and full of surprises, and it is advisable to get to the airport at least two days before departure just to make sure your flight has not been pre-poned, and to stay on for a day or two after the scheduled departure in case it is post-poned. 

WHAT TO BRING: Besides carrying a stockpile of national flags, passengers are advised to bring their own jerrycans of diesel and LPG cylinders as checked-in luggage in order to be able to get around and cook meals. Every incoming passenger is now required by law to bring his/her/its own induction stove and hot water bag. Hot water bags should be pre-filled with water at airport of departure (unlike on Mars, there is no water in Kathmandu and even if there was, there is nothing to heat it with). Nepal is also running out of oxygen, so pack a cryogenic liquified O2 tank, but for security reasons put it inside a transparent plastic sachet and make sure there is less than 100ml of oxygen in it. Due to an acute power shortage, passengers would also do well to bring their own family-size nuclear power plant to generate electricity. And if you are able to smuggle that in you might as well try to smuggle in some centrifuges and weapons-grade plutonium to build your own thermo-nuclear warhead since we are all freezing our asses off here.  

HEALTH TIPS: The bad news for travellers is that small pox and polio have been eradicated from Nepal. However, Nepal still has an exciting plethora of exotic pestilence like diptheria, tetanus, hepatitis A to Z, typhoid, cholera, yellow fever, rabies, giardiasis, Japanese encephalitis, kala azar, meningococcal meningitis, malaria, amoebic dysentry, whooping cough, dengue, tuberculosis, gonorrhea, diarrhoea and motion sickness. There is also an epidemic of foot-in-mouth disease among Nepal’s politicians that could be transmitted to humans, if one is lucky.

VISA AND IMMIGRATION: Visitors can apply and get visas on arrival at Troglodyte International Airport (TIA). It is a fun-filled process that requires applicants to stand in a queue that is usually so long that by the time you get into another long line for immigration and your luggage finally appears at the carousel downstairs, your visa will have expired and you have to go back up and stand in line all over again. 

EMERGENCY: Nepal was always known as a land of festivals, but now it is also known as a land of what-some-in-Nepal-call-a-blockade-but-India-denies. Many of you have asked me at office year-end parties when the blockade will be lifted. My answer, as usual, is: “I’m an ass, not an asstrologer.” Predicting the exact date is not easy, since unlike the Gregorian calendar the blockade has been imposed by a country that is governed by a lunatic calendar. 

USEFUL PHRASES: 

Greetings and civilities: 

Good morning  = Bhat khanu bho?

Have a nice day =  Bhat khanu bho?

How’s it hanging, bro? = Bhat khanu bho?

What’s cooking, man? = Bhat ke le pakyo? 

On arrival: 

Is this the line for visa? = Yo visa ko line ho? 

Is this the line for immigration? = Yo immigration ko line ho? 

Is this the line for diesel? = Yo kalo bazar-sazar ko line ho? 

Is this the line for gas? = Yo ghoos-shoos ko line ho? 

While trekking: 

There are fleas in my bed, I’m going back to Tokyo = Malai udus ra upiya le tokyo.

I want one donut and jam. = Euta chukka jam dinos. 

Which way to Pashupati? = Pashupatinathle hamro rakshya garun.

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(Quote) Blockade (Unquote), Ass