3-9 April 2015 #752

It’s a riot out there

Ass


Your ex-Loyal Highnesses, Hon’ble ex-Convicts, Fellow-Skeletons Rattling in the Cabinet, Heads of Extra-Constitutional Organisms, Captains of Cottage Industries, ex-Cellencies, Willing Defaulters, Respected Givers-and-Takers of Huge Kickbacks, Overseers and Undertakers, Members of the Medical Mafia, venerable members of the Society of Nepali Intellectuals (Semi-democratic), those of the Journalistic Persuasion, Spooks present whose identities cannot be disclosed but one of them is right here in the front row, third from left in a brown hat and shades, Distinguishable Guests, and last-but-not-least, Shri Rishi Dhamala.

It is both a pleasure and a pain in the butt to be invited here once again today to the Repeater’s Club for the Faces to Faeces Program to speak to you about how well the country has been doing since the last erection. Since I am among fellow-oxymorons here I don’t need to belabour the obvious and waste your and my time speaking about the great achievements made by this gumment in the past year, thank you so very much.

Actually, if I don’t need to tell you about the aforementioned accomplishments, then I don’t understand why I am going ahead to do exactly that. This is a question that has been bedeviling me since the dawn of civilisation as we know it. I often ask myself why I keep coming back here to dodge your bricks and bats in Phora like these, and I haven’t been able to come up with a satisfactorial answer. But I guess any publicity is good publicity for us politicos.  

That is why today I am taking the bold and unprecedented step of departing from my prepared text to speak frankfully and to toot my own trumpet here, if I may. It must be clear to all you political observers, anally retentive analysts and western diplomatic sources who don’t want to be quoted by name that, despite some impedimentations and difficultivities, we are well on track to write a new constitution in this country. And given our current velocity in knots, present course and heading, we should have a new constitution by 2075 AD, even if Nepal as a nation state has ceased to exist by then.  

In fact, just this morning while attending to a call from Nature, I was temporarily disconnected because Nature as usual wasn’t calling me on my landline. But when we were reconnected I was naturally delighted, and I think it is proof that things in Nepal are rapidly returning to normalness after the present coalition came to power.

Nepal Telecom needs to be commended for setting an example for pre-paid and post-paid political appointments to top jobs in public sector enterprises. The government now works on a strict policy under which project chiefs who got their jobs through merit and dint of hard work will self-destruct. I am overcome with nostalgia and emotion when I see how we in the Unfed Marxist-Leninist party are behaving today, it takes me right back to the glory days of the early 1990s. It is business as unusual. Those who say that Nepal was pushed back four decades are wrong, we are exactly where we were 20 years ago. 

The other sign of things returning to normalescence is that stones are flying again at Baneswor, the aroma of tear gas once more assail our nostrils outside campuses, and buses and taxis are again being incinerated. It’s a riot out there.  

We promised to bring you a constitution in due time, and it is my pleasure to inform you today that we are way ahead of schedule. I admit, the level of anarchy hasn’t reached last year’s intensificacy, we are still behind our objectivity in the arson attacks and enforcing bunds department, but I can assure you that we will set that right starting next week so that we can meet our 2075 target. 

Which means that we can be confident about restoring full-blown demagoguery by mid-September and a full-scale constitution by mid-century. Not that it would make any difference to most of you here who are now fast asleep. Hey, will someone please wake up Mr Dhamala?

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