Responding to a worldwide security alert, the Tribhuvan Antinational Airport has decided to install a pair of mental detectors to prevent passengers from acting too smart on planes. The brain scanners will be installed just after customs and immigration. The state-of-the-art magnetic resonance detectors will greatly reduce the workload of security personnel by issuing colour-coded alarms. For example, green means the passenger is an idiot and doesn’t even need to be frisked. Blue means the guy is of borderline intelligence and needs to fail a further written IQ test before being allowed to board. Amber alerts airport security of passengers with proclivity to air rage and thus need to be darted with a tranquiliser gun before boarding. And red is for passengers who are just too clever and can’t be allowed on board under any circumstances.
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Since we worship all tourists as gods, the airport has to be like heaven. Which is why the following improvements have been introduced effective immediately:
1. A fast-track queue for tourists without visas so that the average time they spend in the immigration line is now reduced to three hours.
2. A free sauna has been installed at the Departure Area so that departing passengers can relax, sweat like pigs, and pass out if they so wish.
3. All clocks have been removed from the entire airport premises. This is a deliberate attempt to give passengers the impression that all flights are on time. (Flight Attendant: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Gods and Goddesses, we have just landed in Kathmandu, where the local time does not exist.”)
4. The baggage carousel area now has extra trolleys which are equipped with experimental oval wheels to give extra traction. Passengers also have a choice of extreme left-leaning and extreme right-leaning trolleys depending on their political affiliation.
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It has come to the Ass’ notice that some of you have been using the right to freedom of expression enshrined in the Interim Constitution to moan and groan about all the new security bandobast at the airport. This is unpatriotic. If you don’t stop whining we’ll lock you up. And that’s a threat.
I know you haven’t, but if you ask me, it is quite reassuring to know that fellow passengers are not carrying lethal military hardware like tweezers and reusable Swiss Army tooth picks. Which is why I, for one, am happy with the beefed up security. Imagine what would happen if the guards let their guards down and allowed passengers to take deadly nail clippers on board. (“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the flight deck. We’ve just intercepted a passenger who has taken off his socks to clip his toenails and are now diverting back to Kathmandu. There is absolutely no reason to panic until we tell you to. Have a safe fright.”)
Dear and departing passengers will be glad to know that the number of full body frisk-cum-massage has been increased to four. First is the two-in-one unisex masseur after the x-ray who kneads your right solar plexus gently while his other hand gropes your private sectors. You then turn the other cheek, as it were, and he mashes your gluteus maximus carefully, paying special attention to the contents of the wallet in your back pocket. There is a follow-up session after immigration where there is more manhandling and finally a rubber stamp certifying that you are not about to explode.
By the time you get to your seat, you are feeling like a mashed potato. So you just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. That is, until the terrorist next to you slips off his socks and starts clipping his toenails.
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