DEV NARAYAN SAH
What is this country coming to? Do I now have to bribe you to read this column, or what?
However, since it has now been firmly established through several readership surveys that no one actually reads a paper newspaper anymore, guess I can get away with writing the most outrageous stuff about the pillars of our society and get away with it. So here goes: BEEEEEP is a monkey, Comrade BEEEEP is a donkey, and so are the other honourable BEEEEPs in the BEEEP Constituent Assembly, the LONG BEEEEEEP and ANOTHER EVEN LONGER BEEP are a bunch of @$$#0!&$. Whew, feels good to get that off my chest.
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Thank the Higgs Boson that the press is still independent in this country and the freedom of expressionists is guaranteed by our yet-to-be-written constitution, otherwise I would not be allowed to make the aforementioned x-rated comments even if no one actually reads them. In Nepal, we have a knack for knocking down anyone who gets ahead. So, it is a matter of knational pride that the Knepali press can get away with such slanderous libel without denting its credit rating. This is proof, if proof is still required by international freedom watchdogs, that democracy in Nepal is still, if not alive and kicking, then at least crawling around on all fours with its tail wagging between its legs.
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With those formalities now out of the way, and with permission from Madam Chair, I would now like to turn to the next item on the agenda this week, which is to note that at least one organisation in Nepal is already federal: the Federation of Chambers of Commerce and Industriousness (FNCCI). The new panel at the helm of that august body apparently wants to do something to end the scourge of corruption once and for all. Great idea. It is heartening to note that Nepal’s top tycoons last week solemnly swore (meaning, they took an oath, not uttered unprintable words like BEEP and BEEP) that, as a part of their belt-tightening and austerity drive they will not be bribing any government officials and politicians anymore. “We can’t bribe anyone because we are already being extorted, we just can’t afford to give kickbacks,” said one business typhoon speaking on condition that he doesn’t, in fact, exist.
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An emergency meeting of the Cabinet on Wednesday, which started six hours late because the Higher-than-ever Level Political Mechanics of the Secular Federal Republic had gone to Pashupati for the Muktinath Baba’s Mahayagya, looked at various ways in which the government could deal with this unexpected development that removes one of the most efficient methods so far devised to spread the wealth around. The no-bribe policy of Nepal’s Big Businesses may lead to a serious shortfall in revenue for officials, and set off a snowball effect on consumer spending, forcing the Finance Ministry to revise drastically downwards its premature announcement of an annual GDP growth rate of 5 per cent.
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Now that the Israeli ambassador to Nepal has shown that it is perfectly kosher for a diplomat to go on strike against his foreign service back home, our own government may want to borrow that idea. Singha Darbar has no recourse now but to announce an escalating agitation against transparency beginning in the new year starting with a dot pen-down strike at all offices, a sit-down strike at the gates of FNCCI and a symbolic protest turning their pockets inside out. It could culminate in a relay hunger strike at their places of work in which government officials will forego afternoon tea and biscuit break on alternate working days. If that doesn’t prompt businessmen from lifting their ban on bribes, then may Pashupatinath save us all. What? The bhattas are on strike?
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Soundbite of the week from Comrade Ugly Sapkota: “A tiger is not vegetarian.” Yeah, some are man-eaters.