Anyhoo, the headlines are peppered this week with refutations. Everyone is in denial: KPO has denied that he is in a tearing hurry to be Prime Minister. Jhusil Da has denied that he is reluctant to step down, is perfectly happy where he is, and stoking opposition to the draft constitution so that he can get one last freebie to New York for the UNGA. PKD has issued a strong denial that he wants to be president so that he will be immune from prosecution for gobbling up mucho arabs meant for his guerreros, and also for having sent a whole bunch of people to kingdom come. Luckily, people in this country have so little trust in the froth estate that they don’t believe the denials. Still, the leaders are not denying that they are deniers.
Everyone’s priority now is to get the dreadlocked draught of the new constitution over and done with so we can all go back to medieval fun and games to make perfect arsonists of ourselves by burning tyres while they are still attached to parked cars. It was inevitable that all this would ultimately all boil down to territory. In the Darwinian sense, protecting one’s property and watering the perimeter of one’s domain periodically by peeing on the neighbour’s front yard is a time-honoured tradition handed down to us from one generation to the next by our Proboscis Monkey ancestors. Which is why demonstrators are setting fire to police cars in Surkhet -- they can’t help it, they are hardwired to risk life and limb to protect the sovereignty and territorial integrity of the United Karnali (UK).
Many of you have Tweeted to The Ass in the past week, imploring that I make sense of what is happening to the constitution. To all your queries, I have only one answer: “Who do you think I am, Dr Ambedkar?” But to cut a long story short and to get you off my hair, I have prepared the following models for provincial boundaries and handed them over to the Monologue Committee to do as they deem fit:
These maps of boundaries, methinks, will adequately meet demands in the spirit of give and take (mostly take) so that everyone will be satisfied that these grievances will be addressed:
1. Province#6 doesn’t like the way it is shaped and wants to have more proportionate and symmetrical dimensions so it looks more attractive.
2. Province#5 is perfectly happy with its good looks and doesn’t want to oblige
Province#6.
3. The northern part of
Province#6 wants to bifurcate and create a separate Province#7 so that it can be even poorer than Province#2.
4. The southern part of
Province#6 wants to secede from Province#5 even before it is formed in order to create a separate province so it can plunder its forests by itself.
5. Now that
Province#2 has got a Plains Province, it wants the borders to be extended to the mountains so that it can be more viable by selling off the waters of the Kosi.
6. No way
Provinces#1 and #3 will give even an inch of their territory to
#2 since they want to sell off the waters of the Kosi themselves.
7. Some in
Province#1 think it’s too big and want to divide it into Province#1a and
Province#1b.
8. All Provinces want to have access to both the India and China borders so that they can facilitate Sino-Indian trade in wildlife contraband.
9. Province #5 doesn’t have access to the Chinese border and wants a 100km tunnel to Tibet so it can continue smuggling yarsagumba.
10. Province#2 wants the distinction of being the Least Developed Province so as to be eligible for more grants from the Centre.
Read also:
Bound by boundaries, Om Astha Rai
It ain't over yet, Anurag Acharya
Protests over boundaries, Om Astha Rai