19-25 December 2014 #737

Asstrologers and horrorscopes

Some of you have approached the Donkey individually and in groups at social gatherings in the ’Du in recent weeks to ask if the constitution will be finished by the 22 January deadline. To which my response is, and has always been: “I’m an Ass, not an Asstrologer.”

Really, how is an average anal-ist supposed to make head or tail of what’s going on in this country anymore? Which is why to drum some sense into all this confusion we fill the pages of our newspapers with endless blow-by-blow accounts of every permination and combutation of the moves and countermoves of our beloved politicians with whom we are by now on first name basis: “KP met Ram Baran, Sushil met Jhallu, Baburam went to see KP, Pukada and Barabha patched up, Suko met Ramba…” and so on and so forth.

In a land where gossip is often the truth and nothing but the truth, the word is that the haggling is not over the constitution at all, it is about who should get which plum post the day after the constitution is written. And the only reason things are held up is because everyone wants the same plum posts. To simplify things here is a by no means exhaustive list of goings-on:

  • PKD got BRB to agree to take over party chairmanship in return for his endorsement for him (PKD) to be the next President. Whether or not Comrade Red Flag has the mandate to dispense presidentships, or whether Comrade Lotus Flower has the authority to nominate party chiefs is a moot point, it’s the thought that counts. Back in 2008 Pukada had already declared himself Nepal’s first Executive President, but then he stabbed Girjau in the back and vice versa, and Ramba became prez. He is now willing to be unceremoniously declared ceremonial president. However, he wants the new constitution to grant the President discretionary powers to nominate pre-paid ambassadors.

  • We have it on good authoritarians that Comrade Pukada has sent word to UML-NC that he will let the constitution sail through and lift his insistence on ethnic federal provinces if he can have a go at Shit All Nibas. The man has a long memory and the reason he wants presidentship is to be the titular head of the Army so he can exact revenge on the institution that led to his downfall in 2010.

  • All that would have been fine and dandy, but Suko, too, has got a secret pact with Oily that if the constitution is passed Oily becomes prime minister and Suko gets to be president. If that happens Nepal will score one more mention in the Guinness Book of World Records as the country where both the Head of State and Head of Govt need dialysis and chemo between them respectively.

  • Not to be outdone, and emboldened by the British ambassador’s remarks on conversion, Swami Kamaleswor also has an eye on the presidentship and the RPP-N figures that even if it can’t restore the monarchy it will settle for a Hindu President.

  • When he met Barack in New York earlier this year, Suko randomly asked the US president to “drop by Kathmandu anytime”. But after Obama agreed to be guest of honour at the Indian Republic Day, Suko thought a formal invite was in order, put it in writing and handed it over to the ambassador last week. Methinks DC shouldn’t say ‘no’ just yet, let’s use the prospect of an Obama visit as an excuse to get solar street lights repaired and saplings replanted on traffic islands.

  • If Nepal ever reverts to being a constitutional monarchy again, PKD is so desperate he’ll even agree to be crowned king and start a new dynasty. The only downside with that is we’d be saddled with another good-for-nothing Clown Prince.

  • Speaking of kings, it seems Gyan Bahadur has his hopes up again after an Indian asstrologer told him that horrorscopes show him being king of Nepal not once, not twice, but three times.

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