23-29 December 2016 #838

One helluva move

Going to hell isn’t as easy as it used to be. Flights are all booked, seats on economy are sold out, and there are only limited slots in Executive Class. Which means you have to be really, really wicked if you want to be consigned to the eternal flames.  

It’s not enough anymore to fleece migrant workers, pocket fat kickbacks from NEA consumers for 24 hours of electricity, or firebomb school buses. Everyone does that these days. No, the benchmark is higher now and all of you out there desirous of spending eternity in purgatory need to show a much greater aptitude for pure evil than you have so far. 

Just look at the growing competition out there: mass murderers, narco-terrorists, hired assassins, droppers of barrel bombs on children’s hospitals, and you think you have earned the right to go to hell just because you scammed the Roads Department? 

It pains me to say this but standards for depravity are slipping not just in Nepal, but globally. And it’s a disgrace. There was a time when we had real pros around like Sir Adolf Hitler, Generalissimo Musolini, El Caudillo, Emperor Bokassa, Papa Doc Duvalier or Comrade Pol Pot. Alas, they don’t make despots like that anymore. 

To be sure, Unpresidented Trump is one helluva guy and shows promise, but he’s still an amateur. 

We hear Robert Mugabe is trying hard to go to hell, but sources in The Netherworld tell us it is still touch and go for him. Then there are an assortment of wannabe tin pot dictators around the world, including one in a country that requests anonymity, and another president elect from BEEEEEEP BEEEEEP of BEEEEEEP, but he still has to prove to us the banality of his evil with action not just words.

So, in order to ensure that only the World’s Most Heinous make the grade, Devil’s Advocates (Nepal) Pvt Ltd, the firm responsible for Mr Satan’s legal affairs here on Earth, has been contracted to carry out written exams for those applying for resident visas in the Godless Federal Republic of Hades.  Of course, for that, the applicant first needs to expire but due to the rush it is better to register early. Only if you pass this test do you get a slot in the long queue down to Hellfire. All those who think they don’t have a chance in hell to go to heaven are eligible, and women are encouraged to apply. 

You have one hour, cheating via WhatsApp is allowed and beating up the invigilator during practicals will be a demonstration of eligibility. 

1. Give us one good reason why you want to go to Hell (tick one): 

a. I think I’d feel at home down there 

b. So I can continue doing what I was doing here, but be even more evil

c. Because it’s nice and toasty and it’s getting cold in Kathmandu

d. All of the above 

2 What was your profession here on Earth?

a. Really really bad guy 

b. Kleptocrat

c. Enforcing indefinite bands by setting fire to taxis with drivers still inside

d. Convicted criminal with skeletons in the Cabinet 

3 How can we be sure that if your visa is approved you will stay in hell forever?

a. I can lie in my asset declaration form to prove how untrustworthy I am 

b. I could bribe the Devil

c. I’m cashing all my miles and not buying a return ticket 

d. Anywhere is better than Nepal

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