7-13 July 2017 #866

Not remotely possible


Many of you would be forgiven in the past week for wanting to take control of the remote to change the channel. PM of neighbouring country giving a beefy-looking Prez Trump a bear hug [Switch] DPRK launches an ICBM but no one has any idea where it hit [Switch] Bella Hadid suffers a wardrobe malfunction on a catwalk [Switch] PM Deuba loses it on Sajha Sawal [Wait, wait, wait stay there].

Finally there was something worth watching as Comrade Brave Lion dismembered prey on national television. It was even more riveting than aforementioned beefeater wrestling Mr CNN down to the ground. NaMo should learn from SBD that the trick is to rant so angrily that no one can understand what you are saying, and if they can’t understand what you are saying then you can say anything you want.

A long, long time ago, when the world was still young, and our forefathers had just learnt to walk erect with their tails between their legs, they discovered that one needn’t actually get up and physically transport oneself to the tv set in order to change channels. One could do it from the comfort of one’s prehistoric sofa while balancing a juicy mastodon femur one on one’s belly. Necessity being the mother of all inventions, the wireless wand was discovered. The rest is history. This gizmo had a profound impact on evolution and the current average midriff diameter of the male hominoid. 

The possession of a remote control was a symbol of where executive authority actually resided among our cave-dwelling forebears. In our patriarchal society it was the Alpha Male who held the laser sceptre. His grandchildren had been taught to respect elders so they tolerated this for a while, but soon realised that the only way to change such a hereditary feudal system was to rise up and watch what they wanted on Youtube. Which is what they did, little realising that Sajha Sawal was on Youtube too. 

But thanks to advances in modern science and our new federal secular constitution, remotes are no longer restricted to tv sets. There are now remotes to control the home aircon, the microwave, laundry machine, garage door, dishwasher, vacuum cleaner and even the remote controlled toilet seat so that one needn’t physically be present in the bathroom while attending to calls of nature anymore. Come to think of it, there was really no need for Homo erectus to learn to walk upright at all, we can regress to all fours and grow back our tails.  But the real challenge these days is how to control all the remote controls in the house. It is getting out of control, and finding the right remote for the right gadget is a challenge for the expanded human brain. Here are some ideas: 

Mother of All Remotes: This device allows you to control all your remotes so you can turn on your remote toothbrush while having a remote shave. 

Husband Remote: Modern wives can use this like a taser to zap their husbands in their vitals when they fail to get up in the morning.  

Remote Remote: Even when in Bajura, you can use your phone to count votes in Bharatpur Municipality.

Geopolitical Remote: Allows the Foreign Hand to control Nepali politicians remotely.

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