16-22 January 2015 #741

Dog’s own country

So, let’s say for the purpose of argument, that a dog bites man. That is not news unless the canine in question is a female perpetrator in which case the headline would read: ‘Bitch bites man’. On the other hand, as has been known to happen in the heat of the moment, if some people of the male persuasion end up biting dogs, then the story deserves a breaking news treatment:

Man Bit Me, Alleges Mongrel


LALITPUR - Police took a Cash Baddie into custody Friday night after a Dash Doggie lodged an FIR that he (the man) had chewed off part of his (the dog’s) ear lobe during a street fracas.

“I wasn’t trying to grab headlines,” the man said in an exclusive interview from his jail cell, “I was peacefully setting fire to a motorcycle to enforce the bund and this mongrel said today is his bund, and my bund is tomorrow. So I bit his ear off.” The dog, which was reportedly in critical but stable condition, did not return calls and could not be reached for comments.

But his lawyer told journalists at the Reporter’s Club (chaired by Rishi Dhamala) that the dog was only trying to liven things up on a slow news day. “If my client had bitten the man, it wouldn’t be news would it?” he asked rhetorically.


When whining on and on about our current post-conflict and pre-constitutional political scenario we often say that the ‘country is going to the dogs’. We don’t realise that we may be hurting the feelings of some poor mutt when we say that. It is a serious insult to all pooches out there to compare them to the human hyenas currently taking this country on a great leap forward to a bright and glorious revolution. And it is also an affront to the Ass when you unthinkingly use speciest language like that. Actually the country is going to the donkeys.


As a fellow animal, I do not begrudge dogs the right to be declared man’s best friends. They’re cuter. And they have also attained that distinction by sheer dint of hard work, obedience and ass-licking. Dogs are anthropomorphic and have taught their human counterparts an ability that they nurtured over millions of years of evolution to call an unpopular rival the offspring of a bitch.


But maybe I have gone a bit too far with all this dog-bashing. Let me assure you mongrels out there that it is nothing personal, it is something professional. I offer profuse apologies to canines of both the Dash, Cash and Bash persuasions who felt alluded to. There is nothing to do but beg for forgiveness in lieu of the affronts real or imagined that were knowingly or unknowingly perpetrated against Dogdom. You guys are all right, just a tad sycophantic.


How thoughtless of me to make light of the infinite contribution made by you revolutionary hounds to this nation’s long-term development by steadfastly refusing to wag your tails at the international community, by snarling at each other, and guarding our territorial imperative by never shirking in your duty to conduct regular patrols and watering the perimeters of your proposed federal provinces. Just learn to get along with the Cats in the CA and you will be all right.


As we all know, Nepal would not be the same without its diverse human fauna. Without naming names, there are also quite a few reptiles and rodents loose on the streets this past week who give this country its unique characteristics and aroma. As they say, every dog in this country has his day. And as a Sitting Member of the Standing Committee of the CA reminded us the other day: “We were forced to take to the streets because the other side has a two-thirds majority. Our bandh is totally non-violent, we set fire to a couple of taxis and beat up the drivers who dared to defy our peaceful threat to keep off the roads.”

In conclusion, I would like to once more thank the canine sector of the Feral Zoological Republic of Nepal for trying its best to write a new constitution with the motto: keep on trying until the cows come home.

Asstounding asstonishing torn assunder Madrass Antecedants lie in Assyria assures its readers Assembly. Ass assures fellow members he will tear it asunder as many times before.

comments powered by Disqus