Let’s face it, the Demographic Kleptocratic Republic of Nepal has failed miserably to control corruption. It is now time to bite the bullet, swallow the bitter pill, take the plunge, cross the Rubicon and burn our bridges by legalising corruption.
Just like lifting the ban on marijuana removes the drug mafia from the equation and adds revenue to the government’s coffers through the hash tax, making bribery legal has been proven to provide many other advantages. For example, it would give Nepal’s GDP a big boost by legitimising transactions that already form such an important segment of our economy.
There would be some negative repercussions of this, to be sure, but let us not be deterred by a few minor irritants. For example, since no one will be breaking the law anymore by being on the take, Nepal would not figure anymore on the Transparency International Index. This is a pity because ever since records started being kept, Nepal’s sole claim to fame and international recognition was that we consistently scored less than 3.0 points in the world corruption rankings and have been in the august company of such countries as Azerbaijan and Angola which have elevated national plunder to a fine art.
Since the Financed Ministry is looking for new ways to generate more revenue for the state in order to be able to afford international medical treatment for hundreds of ailing and aging top leaders, bringing corruption into the ambit of the tax net would be a hefty contribution to the national treasury. Of course, I know what the cynics among you are thinking. You are thinking: let them kick the bucket. It is precisely such negativity from you nabobs out there that is keeping this country backward. If Nepal is to rise out of the sub-continent and move to sub-Saharan levels of development, we must be more creative.
As it is, you may further say, more than half of Nepal’s annual budget is unspent at the end of each fiscal year so what is the point of generating more revenue? Good question. And I’m afraid I don’t have an answer to that right now, let me get back to you.
So, the way it’s going to work is this. Since bribery is an economic activity that generates income, a Corruption Tax would be calculated on net profit and net gains from business and computations thereof will be determined by a flat pay-as-you-earn rate. In other words, the briber has to hand over to the bribee, the agreed bribe amount under the table minus VAT. The Department of Death and Taxes has drawn up a list of various types of corruption levies that are applicable to citizens from the next fiscal year:
Bribe VAT: This is a flat rate on individual bribes great and small that will deduct 13 per cent of the
amount at source and will be added to the tax payer’s annual returns.
Corporate Graft Tax: Bribes paid by businesses and companies to get work done or expedited will be taxed according to a sliding rate based on a formula that will include income, capital gain, net worth and state-sanctioned extortion by militant unions.
Property Kickback Tax: Since bribes are also given in kind, and to prevent these from falling through the tax net, the Dept of Taxonomy will physically dis-assemble 13% of the body weight of the chassis of an SUV, or a villa in Bhaisepati, given in lieu of a bribe.
Inheritance Tax: Since a lot of officials have enriched themselves during their tenure as Director General of Customs and Culture, in the unlikely event of his/her demise, the state will repossess 50% of his/her ill-gotten wealth. Sorry lads, half of Daddy’s moolah is ours.
Tax Deductions: Tax payers who handed over bribes intended for a charitable cause can claim refunds if they can establish that the payoff was for adopting a baby from Bal Mandir, donating zillions to an Indian Godman, or bribing TU officials for a permit to set up a private hospital.
Excise Tax: These taxes on bribes are hypothecated by keeping them very low in order to encourage corruption and contribute to growth. After all, if there was no corruption all transactions would stop and the economy would grind to a halt.
This being Nepal, there will be those who will try to evade paying the corruption tax by bribing the tax collector. Such bribes will be confiscated, and the perpetrator exiled to Azerbaijan.