The reason for all this lingering uncertainty about November elections is that no one in the gubberment seems to be sure what to do with the Dash Baddies: whether to kick ass, or kiss ass. So they are doing both.
DIWAKAR CHETTRI
The confusion is reciprocal because a politburo meeting of the Dashos at the Baidya Bah base camp the other day broke into a bout of all-out name-calling as everyone tried to outdo each other to have a more radical stance to put pressure on the Higher Up Mechanics. Some warned that if the Cash YCL went ahead with its “1 booth, 200 youth” threat, the Dash would retaliate with “1 booth, 1 tooth”.
In the end, the conclusion was that the party should reunite to face elections, but since there isn’t enough time to get things organised for November it was decided to rattle sabres and keep making a big show of imparting military training to youngsters at the edge of the jungles to persuade the political parties to postpone polls pronto. PKD, MKN, SBD are all tempted, but a higher-up authoritarian is saying, “November, or bust.”
A joke doing the rounds is that there is another reason the Hyphen Mau are called ‘Dash’: because they keep dashing off to China from time to time. But, in all seriousness, it does look like the Land of the Dead Mao wants Dash to unite with Cash and go for elections, while the Land of the Live Mao wants them divided at polls.
So, moving right along to the next point on our agenda this week, we shall present a brief update about the state of our one and only international airport. The runway has stopped cracking up, so the heavies are landing and taking off as usual. The rhesus monkeys that had occupied the departure area demanding that they be allowed to leave the country to work as lab animals in Texas have called off their sit-in. But ever since the unfortunately named CIAA started rounding up officials from the Department of Irritation for taking bribes from migrant workers, the immigration-wallahs have been on go-slow allowing huge queues that snake out of the arrival hall almost to the tarmac. Ditto for departure. Things can still be speeded up, of course, for a fee.
However, the latest crisis at the airport is the case of the vanishing valise. A line at the misplaced baggage counter recently turned out to be composed of passengers lining up to report items stolen from their checked-in luggage. There are brigands on the loose who intercept luggage between the time it leaves plane’s cargo hold and the time it gets to the carousel, open locks, and help themselves to the content. Visitors are thus acclimatised on arrival to all the excitement that Nepal has to offer.
Once prospective candidates from the same party start beating each other up over tickets, you know that elections are around the corner. It’s not just the Kangresis that have two blocs, the Koirala family itself now has at least five factions. SuziQ, determined to carry on her father’s grand tradition, wanted the Biratnagar ticket and when she didn’t get it, gheraoed her own party’s office until Uncle Jhusil banished her to Kalikot, while he himself is contesting in multiple constituencies. This is a time-honoured tradition in Nepal where netas who only stand from one place aren’t taken that seriously. Awesum is standing from Kathmandu and Janakpur, but has abandoned Rolpa because no Cash can even enter the Dash stronghold anymore. Even if the bosses lose in all the places they contest, however, there is still hope and this is exemplified by Makunay who lost in both constituencies and still went on to be prime minister.
The Ass’ vote for Nepal’s Alfa Male goes to Loktantra Man, who has deployed the full weight of the CIAA to go after people who have crossed him in the past. We don’t hear of any Cash Baddie paying any income tax on Rs 4 billion that vanished from the cantonment budget, but the CIAA and their buddies from Revenue are going for small fries with a fine tooth comb. Overzealous CIAA operatives raided the 90th birthday party of kangresikatering king, BL Sharma, and booked him for inviting more than 50 guests.
Last Saturday’s Tij Un-Bunned was organised by the Cash Baddies’ Newa State Council which takes its orders directly from BRB and First Lady Yummy. But guess what the surnames of the office bearers of the Newar Autnomous Region are: Poudel and Dahal.