4-10 July 2014 #714

Shark attack

Ass
For those of you who have lost track of what is happening in Nepal’s political sphere, here is a brief recap of the story so far:

1.   PM Jhusil Da is in America indefinitely, and definitely no one admits to having ambitions on the succession question.

2.   Caretaker Leftist God thinks he is taking care, but so do about a dozen Kangresi cronies who are hand-in-glove with crooks.

3.   FM Ram Sharan has been told by his own party’s MPs they will sabotage his budget if they don’t get their 5 Corrodes each. FM did the math and doesn’t know where he can come up with 14 Arabs. (Bright Idea: The Kuwait Fund?) This is one scam that is not going to be debated in the Public Accounts Committee, that’s for sure.

4.   Minister of Trees has found out it is a jungle out there in the Cabinet. His Chure Conservation Plan is opposed tooth-and-nail by colleagues who are bankrolled by timber tuskers and crushers.

5.   We now know why Mahesh was banished to Forest and replaced overnight by Minendra at the MOIC. Plans afoot to sneak in a telecom tycoon thru the backdoor?

6.   Five of Nepal’s 35 communist parties have decided to establish a “working unity”. So far, they had a non-working disunity. BRB is heading a constitution committee, while PKD is in cahoots with those opposed to the constitution. Lal Dhoj has wrested control of ratopati.com from Lotus Flower and its first expose was a dollar laundering scam implicating Comrade Awful.

7.   Dept of Roadblocks has decided to finish off its unspent moolah before this fiscal year runs out. So it is repaving perfectly good streets overnight, and lubricating palms along the way. Too much of an effort to actually repair roads and plug craters in Sanepa, no?

8.   Don’t waste time reading about the duel in the Eh-maleys between Makuney and Oily.

***


One thing that is getting sharks in the government all excited is the SAARC Summit in November. The Prime Minister got it into his silly head to hold the Summit in Pokhara, which would have been a disaster for all the capital’s contractors and their cronies already salivating at the prospect of making a killing. Predictably, Pokhara was shot down in the Cabinet citing security and a shortage of casinos. Imagine all the beautification, resurfacing roads, installing street lights, and airport upgrading that has to happen on a civil war footing in Kathmandu from now till then. Imagine the cash that is going to be doled out, just the trickle down from kickbacks alone will improve the Multi-dimensional Poverty Index (MPI) of Nepal by four percentage points.

***


The vexing question now is where to hold the SAARC Summit Plenary? The previous venue at the BICC has been taken over by the Constituent Assembly, and although the Honourable Members have gladly offered to take a weeklong holiday and give up the Great Hall of the People for the noble cause of South Asian amity, we have reliable information that the floor of the august house is infested with bed bugs that are so hardy that fumigation by the Pest Control Authority has not been able to dislodge the blood suckers. Which means the BICC is out of the question because we don’t want a national faux pas (not to mention an international flagrante delicto) when the bugs sink  their teeth into the Butts of South Asian Heads of State (and Government) – especially The Excellencies who wear sarongs, saris, and gos.

***


That only leaves the Academy Hall or City Hall. The Ass inspected these venues in a personal capacity this week, and I am constrained to reject both out on account of their euphemistically called “Rest Rooms”. These are toilets with such high concentrations of hydrogen sulphide and ammonium hydroxide that they have very similar chemical characteristics to the atmosphere of the Jupiter moon, Ganymede. No human being, not even a SAARC HOG (Head of Government), would be able to survive exposure to such toxic fumes. You go to these rest rooms, and you rest forever. Which means there are only two options: to hold the plenary at the Dasrat Stadium, or under a large circus tent on Tundikhel. Because both are outdoors, we minimise the chances of any HOGs dying on us due to asphyxiation.

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