29 Aug - 5 Sept 2014 #722

More glad tidings

Ass
As if the world wasn’t already a depressing enough place, we in the newspaper business are determined to make you even more miserable by not allowing a single day to go by without news of genocides, terrorism, bat-borne viral epidemics out of Africa, melting ice-caps, floods, and people pouring ice water over their heads for no discernible reason.

But, too bad, that is the way the cookie crumbles. However, the good news is that you consumers now have the option of skipping these off-putting news items, and turning straight to the back page to read about glad tidings and inspiring tales of the triumph of the human spirit. So, here are the main points in this News Bulletin to uplift your sagging spirits:

Nepal Breaks Human Flag Record

FROM A NEWSPAPER OF RECORDS

Former prime minister, the Rt Hon Ma Ku Nepal has entered the Guinness Book of World Records by being the biggest human flag in human history. Nepal performed the feat at Tundikhel on Saturday (pictured above) amidst a crowd of cheering onlookers by climbing up a flag pole and unfurling himself, while a helicopter hovered overhead for aerial shots of the event.

“As a person whose country is his namesake, I thought it was my pious duty to fly the flag of a nation I am proud to call my own,” said the visibly exhausted, but exhilarated, ex-PM.

No Oil Price Hike This Week

BY OUR CRUDE REPORTER

Breaking from its usual tradition, Nepal Oily Corporation (NOC) failed to announce its weekly increase in petroleum prices this Friday, saying it hadn’t finished distributing kickbacks and payoffs to crooks who never got caught for last week’s pilferage and adulteration. 

“But not to worry, we’ll make up for this lapse with a double digit increase next week,” a senior NOC official assured reporters, adding that the price increase was good news for those stealing diesel from tankers and those committing adultery at the pumps because every increase represented a heftier profit margin.

Consumers were also quick to see a silver lining. “The price hike means I now have to hike to work, which must be good for my health,” said one motorcycle rider.

Nepal Has Failed Successfully: Experts

KATHMANDU (IRIN) - The Organisation of Failed States (OFS) has finally decided to grant permanent membership to Nepal in recognition of the country’s laudable efforts in showing the rest of the world the way backward.

Delegates from all countries that are proud to call themselves ‘failed’ are arriving in Kathmandu next week to take part in a three-day international seminar titled ‘How To Ruin Your Motherland in Five Easy Steps’. The conference is expected to formally approve Nepal’s accession to the OFS, which brings with it many benefits such as donors pouring more good money after bad.

“This is indeed a great achievement, we have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory,” said Prime Minister Jhusil Koirala. “But we can’t rest on our laurels, we must rest on our pillows and go back to sleep.”

The conference is also expected to pick Kathmandu as the venue for the soon to be set-up Research Institute for Failing Spectacularly (RIFS), since it already hosts the secretariat of its sister organisation, SAARC.

CPN(UML), NC, UCPN(M) OK HLCP

SPY AGENCIES   KATHMANDU – The top leaders of the three main parties Thursday held a meeting, their fifth in as many days, and were able to break the deadlock on the High Level Political Committee (HLPC) by deciding to locate it at Lobuje below Mt Everest.

Disagreement on an agreement to agree to disagree on the location had been holding up the decision for many weeks, raising fears of a further delay in the constitution-writing timetable.

“The agreement on the HLPC paves the way for a consensus on contentious issues in the constitution,” said a high-level source speaking through an oxygen mask. “We hope the rarified atmosphere will expedite decision-making since some leaders will have stopped breathing at some point.”

Nepal, India To Swap Prime Ministers

PRESS TRUST IN INDIA

As a further step in cementing the close age-old ties and improving bilateral relations between India and Nepal, the two countries have decided to  trade their prime ministers.

An MoU to this effect was signed this week between the Trade Ministers of the two countries, with officials describing it as “mutually beneficial barter agreement”.

“Modiji is so popular in Nepal that he would actually be elected if he stood for elections there,” a MoEA spokesman said, “and taking over as prime minister of India would wake up Mr Koirala.”

World’s Largest Ass Discovered in Nepal

KATHMANDU (Animal Planet) – Among the three news species of mammals discovered in Mustang this month is the world’s largest donkey (pic, above), the National Trust for Nature Conservation announced today.

Besides new species of Steppe Polecat (Mustela evermanii) and the Tibetan Wolf (Canis lupus chanco) caught accidentally last week on camera traps for tracking snow leopards was the Nepali Ass (Equus nepalensis asinus).

The images proved beyond doubt that Nepali asses are some of the biggest asses in the world, said zoologist Dr Robert Schnell.  “Donkeys are usually small and stocky but these asses have stature, they are humungous.”

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