16-22 May 2014 #707

Once is More Than Enough

Ass
Anyone embarking, disembarking, or just barking, at Kathmandu airport these days will have noticed that the Department of Immitation has streamlined the forms you have to fill to go in and out of this country.

Nepal is known as a land of tolerance that allows diesel thieves caught in flagrante to block highways in protest, taxis that tamper meters to go on strike demanding the right to cheat passengers, nominates Supreme Court justices who are polygamists, gamblers, and drug traffickers, and illegal crushers are allowed to protest police action by stopping supply of gravel to Kathmandu’s road-widening.

To reflect this broad-mindedness the Department of Immitation has completely revamped documentation to reflect the fact that besides being federal, secular, democratic and kleptocratic, Nepal is now also pro-choice (see pic). To further showcase our tolerance, we propose an even more inclusive Arrival Card that will demonstrate to visitors that Nepal is not for the faint-hearted.

The idea is to keep bored passengers busy throughout a flight so that they don’t stage a sit-in protest outside the cockpit demanding better food and more beverages. The exam paper is divided into a multiple choice Objective Section and a Subjective Section for personal essays. Below is a sneak preview of the prototype in-flight immigration exam. Only those who pass this onboard test will be allowed to enter Nepal.

Family Name:.................

Middle Name:...................

Given Name:.........................

Not-given Name:.................

Nom de Plume:.....................

Nom de Guerre:................

Date of Birth (if applicable): ..............

Date of Expiry:...................

Place of Birth:.................

Zodiac sign:....................

Nationality at Birth:..................

Nationality in Previous Incarnation:..............

Are you a nationalist:

enter image description here Jindabad

enter image description here Murdabad

? Allahabad

Sex (tickle only one):

enter image description hereNo, thank you

? Yes, please

enter image description here Once in Bombay

Permanent Address:............

Semi-permanent address:.................

Underground Address:...................

Keynote Address:..........

Race:

enter image description here Human

enter image description here Inhuman

? Everest Marathon

enter image description here Yak Attack

Pre-Occupation (tick at least three):

enter image description here Trafficking

enter image description here Cheating Migrant Workers

? Gambling

? Diesel Theft

enter image description here Bribing Judges

? Illegal Quarrying

? War crimes

Object of Journey (encircle one):

? Pilgrimage

? Asylum Seeking

? Meddling in Nepal’s Internal Affairs

? Tryst with Destiny

? Tourism

? Terrorism

Answer three of the following four questions in no more than 140 characters:

1. Where was Buddha born? (Only for Indian passport-holders)

2. What am I doing here?

3. Climate change is a hoax. Discuss.

4. Which country has the world’s highest mountain and the smallest man?

Customs Declaration

Are you carrying any or all of these items that are a threat to national security (tick appropriate box):

1. More than two bottles of dutiable Molotov Cocktails

2. Plastic Baby Tricycles

3. Five or more Perambulators

4. Binoculars in excess of everyday requirement

5. More than 50,000 poultry chicks in checked-in luggage

6 Indian black money in 500 or 1,000 denominations unless accompanied with separate envelope

Warning:

Green Channel is not a Green Light.

Walking through the Green Channel with Dutiable Items may lead to confiscation of goods, penalty, prosecution, a medal, or an ambassadorship. However, running through the Green Channel is allowed, just don’t get caught. Perambulator smugglers will face a Rs 50,000 fine, or 50 lashes with a parliamentary whip, or both. Congratulations, you have passed the test. You may now enter Nepal.

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