Take a bunch of angry, overweight and smelly men, pack them tightly inside an aluminium tube, immobilise them by strapping them to their seats, and send them hurtling across the sky at nearly the speed of sound. And you are surprised when airline passengers try to strangle each other?
Just this week, passengers in Karachi prevented an ex-minister from boarding a plane he kept waiting for two hours. Good thing the jet wasn’t air borne yet, otherwise the minister would have been defenestrated from 35,000ft. Then, in the US there was the third Knee Defender incident in as many days.
Operators are fully aware that fidgety passengers may get bored, drink too much and become unruly. The trick is to pack them in with so little leg, elbow and head room that they are immobilised for the duration of the flight. If one of them does manage to wriggle out, flight attendants have cattle prods in cattle class to zap rowdy passengers.
No-frill operators have democratised air travel even in non-democratic countries. They have dispensed with food, drinks, pillows, blankets and air hostages. Everything is charged, including luggage, inflight entertainment, lavatories and pressurisation. If, god forbid, the pleasure in the cabin falls during a fright, oxygen masks will drop automatically on a first-come-first-served basis. Clobber your nose and mouth and bleed normally, you will be charged $12 per puff.
Thank heavens that in Nepal domestic carriers haven’t stooped as low as international budget airlines to slash fares and cut inflight service. Here, we have opted to keep fares high and slash services instead. Nepal’s no-budget airlines would rather make passengers pay through their noses than provide them an utterly unnecessary luxury like a barf bag. However, with the holiday season approaching, and in the spirit of the season, they have allowed goats on board as carry-ons provided they do not exceed the dimensions of the overhead racks.
The Ass is old enough to remember a time when hot meals were served even on Royal Uneconomic Class on Air Thrombosis. As time went on, they got rid of the omelets, then the pakoras, the next to go were the buns, then they even stopped passing out pre-flight cotton wool and candy (“The cotton goes into your ear canal and the toffee goes into your alimentary canal, sir. Not the other way around.”)
After many years of observing fellow-asses on board, I have drawn up a list of the categories of people who sit next to you on planes:
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Weight Lifters. These passengers have more carry-on luggage than checked-in luggage and will occupy the over-head lockers (known in some Asian airlines as “oval-head rockers”) all the way from seats 31-38 so that there is absolutely no room for your orchids (known in some airlines as “all kids”). The thing to remember if you happen to sit next to a Weight Lifter is make sure your helmet is fastened at all times while seated so a stowed item doesn’t accidentally fracture your skull.
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Recliners. This is a passenger sitting in the seat in front of you who will insist on reclining his seat so that his head lies on your lap for the duration of the flight. Knee Defenders are no use, but my antidote is to make a paper funnel and carefully pour some Campari soda into his ear canal.
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Movers and Shakers. You are on the aisle and the mover and shaker next to you begins to display symptoms of acute dropsy. Always one to make the best of every situation, I usually lean into these guys and get a free in-flight foot to shoulder massage.
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Alcoholics Synonymous. Always have a pack of melatonin handy and plop five tablets into his G&T while he is looking the other way. He won’t bother you after that.
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Babes. No such luck. They have replaced flight attendants with Grandmas. The only babes I have sat next to on recent flights are about five months old and wail non-stop while we traverse the Indo-Gangetic Plains.
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Stinkos. One of the single most hazardous aspect of modern air travel is body odour, and it is my misfortune that I am always assigned a seat next to a guy whose armpit can be detected from the cockpit. Some passengers take their shoes off, wafting into the cabin the full aroma of socks in an advanced stage of fermentation. This poses a risk to sensitive on board avionics. “Ladies and gentlemen, in a few moments inshallah we will be landing. In the interest of safety, please stow your tray table, be upright and put your shoes back on. Thank you for choosing Fly-by-Night Airways.”
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Yakyetiyakkers. That’s me. Never sit next to me on a flight. I’ll talk to you nonstop until you ask the flight attendant to give you another seat. Which was the idea, anyway.