The threats to our national security cannot be underestimated in these perilous times. There are countries that want to claim Buddha’s birthplace as their own, others want to purloin Mt Everest from us, every so often our border pillars vanish, and aliens invade our air space. Not a day goes by that a Nepali somewhere in the world doesn’t have to punch someone in the nose to prove that not all flags have to be rectangular.
We need to be on high alert against these expansionist forces, and be ready to defend our territorial integrity and national sovereignty tooth and nail. No price is too high to defend our borders, and we must not forget that those who want to takeover and overtake us may also try to invade us from the sky, which is why we have asked to be
gifted a Super Dhruv attack helicopter armed to the teeth with heat-seeking air-to-air missiles.
Recently, Nepal’s air traffic controllers went on high alert after noticing a blip on the radar at TIA that shouldn’t have been there, and dismissed it as an alien spaceship from the Planet Voth which had come to abduct our women. Only later did they realise that it was a common house fly (Latin name: Musca domestica Linnaeus) sitting on the scope, and promptly sqooshed it. That is how serious we are about guarding our skies.
Next time there is an aerial invasion, the standard operating procedure is to scramble the only flying helicopter of the Army Air Wing and intercept the intruder somewhere over the eastern sector and, according to accepted international rules of psy-war, shout obscenities into the radio.
Our fearless air traffic controllers deserve the highest medals in the land for being on their toes throughout the
SAARC Summit, and ensuring that VVIP jets were perfectly safe when in Nepal’s air space. This they did by closing down the airport for all other traffic for five days to prevent any untoward incident.
The Ass has offered its services as a security consultant (free of cost in the national interest) and after a thorough appraisal of our current asymmetrical security scenario has come up with the following list of top-secret recommendations which are totally off the record and are published below on condition that readers don’t pass them on to any suspicious looking farangs unless they know our password which I can tell you, but then I’d have to shoot you. For your eyes only. Please burn this paper after you read it:
- Our northern border is protected by high mountains, but our open border to the south is easy to infiltrate which is why we need to make an East-West Moat. All we need to do is ask the Indians to construct more embankments to permanently submerge no-man’s land. This way, any invading army will have to call in the marines, and this would buy us valuable time to manufacture more leather cannons.
- NAST should live up to its name and immediately begin plutonium enrichment at its secret reactor in Khumaltar. Experience from North Korea and Iran have shown that the only thing that will force the international community to take us more seriously is to have our own secret nuclear weapons program.
n Nepal’s landmass is under constant surveillance from spy satellites, which means all VVIPs in Harihar Bhavan should henceforth be careful not to walk around their backyards in their undies. If, like me, they insist in doing so they should mandatorily wear a Groucho glass-and-moustache as disguise.
- The Cabinet Room at Singha Darbar has miniature transmitting devices hidden under the table so the Council of Ministers should never discuss anything of national importance at cabinet meetings. They should also refrain from discussing state secrets at home, since there may be bed bugs there. In fact, they should never ever talk shop while in office, since one never knows who is listening.
- We are doing a great job keeping our highways blocked by landslides, potholes, tottering bridges to thwart a possible enemy invasion. But more needs to be done to make Nepal even more impregnable.
- n We must delay constitution-writing and prolong the political anarchy to demonstrate that this country is totally ungovernable as a deterrent against foreign powers tempted to take us over. There are countries with nefarious posterior motives which must be thwarted.