16-22 February 2018 #897

Cricket glossary

Asia is divided into two types of countries: those that play cricket and those that eat them. The Line of Control between these two eco-biological domains passes along 118 degrees East meridian in the vicinity of the Andaman Sea that separates China, Philippines and Japan (which play basketball and baseball) with India, Sri Lanka and Australia (which play cricket). There is also a third type of country in Asia, which is the one that likes to play with crickets by tying pieces of string on their hind legs, and gambling on cricket races (Thailand and Laos). But in general, it would be safe to say that west of the Abdomen Sea, cricket is a sport, and to the east, it is a meal.

Since Nepal was never colonised by leg breakers, and therefore did not inherit a sport with a scoreboard that looks like the result of a three-tier general election, we have never really been passionate about cricket. And since we have never played off square leg in The Asses, we as a nation, are not up to speed on cricket terminology. Although we knew it was a nail-biting finish in Namibia the other day, many of us had no clue why it was so exciting.

That is why, as a public service to the nation at large, the Ass takes time to list a truncated glossary of cricket terms so you can follow the running commentary of not just cricket but also political games that are currently ongoing in Nepal:

Agricultural Shot: A batting lineup that includes giving the Maoist Centre a shot at being the Minister of Agriculture.

Bouncer: KPO was already batting on a sticky wicket since he started his innings as Skipper, but his team-mate PKD suddenly bowled a Bouncer from behind him by saying the unity deal was off unless he also gets to be skipper after two-and-half years.

Century: The time it will take for the Batting Team under the present Skipper to fulfil the promise of stability and prosperity without Queering the Pitch at any time.

Chinaman: Unnamed left-wing wrist-spinner who spoke to Krishna Bahadur Mahara some years ago offering him 50 corrodes to change sides.

Donkey Drop: The Ass has absolutely no idea what this is, but it has a nice ring to it because it seems to describe accurately the dilscoops that our politicos indulge in from time to time.

Drinks Break: What happened at Man Bhawan the other night as one faction of one party met with another faction of another party to plot against rival factions in both parties, usually well lubricated with Maotai and Toddy.

Full Toss: What will happen if Parliament follows the tradition of the First Constituent Assembly when chairs were defenestrated from the floor of the BICC. Why stop at chairs, why not upgrade to bigger furniture, and maybe someday even propel a couple of Honourable Members of the August House out the window?

“Howzat”: Blood-curdling cry, often emanating from cabinet members, when the Finance Minister is manhandled while trying to present the budget. The Speaker is not required to rule on the physical appeal for dismissal unless asked in this way. But, if asked, he is mandated to form a Task Force, an Inquiry Board or an Investigation Commission.

Jockstrap: Also known as ‘groin-guard’, mandatory gear for all newly nominated ministers whose gonads could be the targets of well-aimed Yorkers, especially if they are fielding at Silly Point.

Leg Break: A form of ‘bowtick carbuy’ practiced during the war by Baddie Bowlers, but still being employed selectively in order to dismiss opposition Batsmen from time to time. Also known as Leg Bye-bye.

Luncheon: The first of the two intervals (see also: Drinks Break) taken during a full day’s session of the House, which usually occurs at lunchtime at about 12:30pm Indian Standard Time and can last anywhere up to three hours. 

Match Fixing: The accepted behind-the-scenes method of cobbling together a coalition government which involves bribing players with the promise of cabinet berths, or housing plots in Hetauda.

No Balls: This happens when an ex-minister repeatedly shows a lack of scrotal fortitude in the field, and is obsessed instead of performing Quickies with Maidens.

One Day International: A junket in which a Lameduck Finance Minister flies half-way around the world for a one-day international conference in Australia so he doesn’t have to rescue the economy from collapse.

Overthrow: Prolonged poor delivery could lead to the fielding team from the Left Alliance staging a violent takeover, leading to a batting collapse.

Partnership: An alliance of convenience by Batsmen from two parties with completely different ideologies, for example between PKD and SBD, that lasts as long as one of them is either a Golden Duck or a Lame Duck.

Powerplay: The block of overs that offers temporary advantage to the Coalition Government in an endgame struggle to be in Singha Darbar by hook or by crook. Mostly by crook.

Rest Day: Every day.

Wicked Keeper: Another name for party boss, the guy who is Caught Behind while keeping party faithful faithful.

Yorker: Opposite of Googly, as in: ‘PKD delivered a Yorker on a jockstrap-less BRB by calling him an Indian stooge. BRB then quickly bowled him a Googly in retaliation.’

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