6-12 September 2013 #672

Vermicultural revolution

Ass
For the class warriors that they claim they be, the Baddies sure have a knack for  shooting themselves on the foot. Pukada once told GPK during the war he wouldn’t talk to the “servant” when he could talk directly to his “master”, viz: Kingji. BRB has repeatedly insinuated that comrades in the UML were a) “impotent” b) “politically promiscuous”, c) third-gender, or d) all of the above.

DIWAKAR CHETTRI


It may be because they remembered this slight that members of the LGBT community decided this week to join the bi-sexual UML en masse. The homophobic Maobuddies once again went to town poking fun at the alleged sexual orientation of the United Marxist Leaning comrades. 

We all knew Sunil Babu had no love lost for Babu Ram, but why did he chose to join the UML? The reason is that a rival faction of the gay lesbian bi-sexual and trans-sexual community was kangres-leaning. The big question now is just how big is the LGBT vote bank in Nepal and whether they are made up of lefties or righties, or both.

***


The Baddies aren’t just insensitive to the gay community, they have also demonstrated their speciest attitude towards the animal kingdom, and that could be because it hasn’t been declared a republic yet. PKD has often passed objectionable and derogatory remarks about chicken, comparing them to the Nepali Congress. What an insult to roosters in general and cocks in particular. And he went on to compare his party to the eagle. What an insult to eagles.

***


We often hear such speciest language in ever day political discourse, and as a Nepali Ass I consider it my duty towards fellow mammals, reptiles and molluscs to lodge a complaint against proponents of hate speech that deliberately malign us in this way. Ever since biped primates climbed down from the acacia trees in the Rift Valley, shed their prehensile tails, and started riding around in mopeds, humans have treated us animals abominably. In referring to Nepal’s current political scenario as a “snake pit” think of how disparaging it is towards our hissing comrades. Similarly, in describing the constitution-writing process as moving at a “snail’s pace”, we underestimate and belittle the velocity of gastropod locomotion. And we show a singular lack of sensitivity to the feelings of Mr Blitzer when we say we “wolf” down hors d’oeuvres. As a public service to readers, therefore, the donkey offers below a guide to replacing objectionable language with formulations less disparaging towards other species with whom we share this beautiful planet of ours:

WRONG: Comrade Yummy said the earthworms she amassed during road-widening would not be sufficient to finance her election campaign.

CORRECT: Vermiculture experts at the CIAA still don’t know who first used the word “earthworm” to mean “bribe”.

WRONG: The only fly in the ointment was that Baidya still refused to take part in elections. 

CORRECT: Finally, towards the end of the cocktail reception, the host mustered the courage to whisper to the Dash Baddie that his fly was open.

WRONG: Nepalis have now realised that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

CORRECT: Kathmandu’s canines yowled with joy on being told that the country was going to the dogs again.

WRONG: It is quite acceptable in politics to lick the ass of one’s coalition partner.

CORRECT: …but only if he has been a visionary statesman for donkey’s years.

WRONG: The Chief Justice selfishly kept a lion’s share of the portfolios.

CORRECT: The Censor Board has decided to allow Lion King to be screened only if it is renamed Lion President. 

WRONG: Reporters at the press conference behaved like vultures. 

CORRECT: The popular Vulture Restaurant in Nawalparasi will henceforth offer dining birds cloth napkins.

WRONG: Birds of a feather flock together in the Cash Maoists.

CORRECT: Except chicken.

***


Big Plop air dashes to China and on return, he has suddenly toned down his rhetoric from threats of Armageddon to threats of unity with the Mau party before elections. But because he has burnt his bridges with PKD, it looks like the Dhobighaut alignment with BRB is being revived, much to Awesome’s consternation. Quite a formidable combination it will be of Comrades Big Plop, Hit Man and Horrible.

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