And now for something completely different. In today’s class we will take a look at the tremendous strides Nepal has taken in the sphere of gender equality.
In Sunsari, a bunch of guys have said enough is enough and have set up a Father’s Group to counter the local Ama Samuha because they are sick and tired of being slapped in the face by their wives when they come home drunk every night. At last, Nepali men are showing that they have the gonads to stand up against corporal punishment. The local chapter of the Father’s Group has vowed to spread awareness about VAM (Violence Against Men) which they say has taken epidemic proportions. They have issued a 12-point list of demands, which includes men also being allowed to take a holiday on Tij.
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It is not a coincidence that after marking Guy’s Jatra last week, next week we celebrate Tij. As the monsoon starts its slow retreat and the Bagmati begins to smell again, we know that the festival season is upon us and luckily there is one for every gender known to man. Guy Jatra this year was also celebrated by gals, and guys are also preparing to fast this Tij.
Last week, Guy Jatra was a time for the men among us to forget our cares and worries, let our hair down, and (going by the theme of the many impromptu sidewalk theatres that sprang up) cast doubts about the gender, if any, of the Rt Hon Chief Justice and members of his and/or her cabinet. Why exactly this particular festival ended up getting the sex of our rulers mixed up has a long and glorious history which I will tell you about some other time. Suffice it to say for now that Guy Jatra is the time when us macho menfolk of the world’s youngest syndicated republic get a temporary licence to make complete asses of ourselves by behaving just as we do every other day of the year.
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Now, Tij is a festival in which members of the female species from all walks of wife re-dedicate themselves to their profession by undertaking 24-hour relay hunger strikes at cardinal points in the city to wish their present or future husbands health, wealth, and happiness. Those who, for technical reasons, don’t wish their current spouses to have any of the above, will have no other alternative but to move on to the seventh phase of their agitation which, they hasten to warn, is going to be decisive and could turn violent. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts. Some of the more passionate women I know say they will not even swallow their saliva during this period as they pray intensely for their husbands to get a Korean work visa so that they will be left alone for four years. Good luck.
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And just to allay concerns about your manhood, the Sunsari chapter of Father’s Group has issued a short questionnaire to ascertain whether you have what it takes to be a full-blown Nepali Alfa Male. (Caution: readers who are currently eating are warned in the interest of public safety to stop doing so and have barf bags handy.)
**Q: As a just-about-average Nepali male, what do you do when you are by yourself, and certain that no one is looking? **
- Put your hand in your pocket and vigorously attend to a subterranean itch.
- Attend to aforementioned itch even if someone is looking, after all it’s an emergency.
- Go to a nearby mirror and squeeze blackheads from your nose cone.
- Sharpen the non-flammable end of a matchstick and use it as NASA would the robotic arm of the Mars Explorer to reach hitherto unexplored and remote caverns in your mouth cavity containing fossil remains of last year’s Dasain goat and dispatch the specimen for further olfactory inspection and disposal.
- An essential feature of human existence is breathing and for this it is of paramount importance that we keep our pulmonary tubes clear. The user manual that comes with every male Nepali lays down strict procedures to periodically clean our carburetor filters. Most models have an automatic self-clearing device which at regular intervals dislodges obstructions with a sharp intake of air through the nostril which propels said glob from the nasal cavity into the oral cavity whence it can be either defenestrated with a smart ‘pthoo’ through the window into the street below, or ingested into the alimentary canal as a protein-rich nutrient. Either way, it is a disgusting habit that all Nepalis proudly call our own.
If you ticked all of the above, congratulations. You are the proud recipient of this year’s Guy Jatra Mr Revolting Nepal Contest and the plaque will be handed over to you on Tij by the UML’s Mr and Ms Nepal.