The following Backside Column by Ass is regurgitated and adapted in the national interest from
Issue #718 of 1-7 August 2014.
Now that Prime Minister Shri Modiji has decided to do on to Shri KP Oliji what Shri Rajiv Gandhiji did to Sri Punch Birendraji and brocade Nepal, advisers in both Balu Water and 7 Race Course Road are scratching their heads about what would be the appropriate way to extricate themselves from the cesspool they have landed themselves in.
But it is a good sign that the two sides are already thinking ahead to figure out how Modiji and Oliji should handle themselves when they see each other next in 2016 after physical intimacy returns to bilateral ties. Not that I have been asked, but the Ass would like to offer the PM’s mandarins a menu of options:
1. Namaskar:
This, of course, would be hugely symbolic since the greeting represents the age-old bonds of culture and vermiculture that join our two great nations. It would also allow Nepal to keep India at arm’s length. However, it is a bit impersonal and doesn’t do enough to underline the tight embrace with which Indians keep Nepalis so they don’t stray. I would suggest that Shri KPji wrap both his hands around Shri Modiji’s namaskar and oscillate it counter-clockwise for a mutually acceptable duration. However, our prime minister shouldn’t get carried away, and should let go of Modiji’s hands after 7.5 seconds, unless he (Namo) lets go. Whichever happens first.
2. Hand-shake:
If Shri KPO wants to show that Nepal would like to keep its distance from India, then a curt handshake would be the appropriate gesture. The question then arises, what should Nepal’s response be if Modiji uses both hands to immediately grab Oliji’s outstretched right hand and crush it in his vice-like grip? Our PM should be briefed that he should then use his left hand to cover both of Modiji’s hands and not let him get away with what could be construed as high-handed behaviour.
3. Touching Feet:
This is an absolute no-no. No one touches anyone’s feet, but any part of the anatomy above the knee is OK.
4. Bear Hug:
Before 1990, hugging His Majesty the King was out of the question for a visiting Indian PM. But since then, the leaders of secular republican Nepal and India are prone to hugging each other tight at the slightest provocation, probably to locate each others’ soft spots. Hugging is fine, but keep it within the bounds of decency.
5. Bear Hug with Kiss:
Ever since Brezhnev of USSR and Honecker of the GDR indulged in mouth-to-mouth resuscitation at the airport in Berlin in 1983, some world leaders of the leftist persuasion still French kiss one another from time to time. My view on the sensitive topic of such shameless political osculation is that we must make a distinction between lip-service and tongue-lashing. And as long as kissing is taboo in Bollywood cinema, the leaders of our two countries should desist from smooching each other in public. (Kissing ass in private is allowed on a case-by-case basis.)
6. Holding Both Hands:
This is the way Bhutan’s leaders greet Indian leaders, and there is no reason we should emulate Jigme the Fifth unless we have run out of our own ideas, and want to be in the same category of bilateral relations as the Druks. But even here, the body language can be carefully calibrated to reflect the state of relations desired. In their next meeting, Modify and Oliji could not just hold both hands together but also intertwine each other’s fingers.
7. Casually Holding Hands During State Banquet:
Avoid.
8. Arm Around the Shoulder:
What should Oliji do if Modiji puts his arm around his shoulder playing the part of Big Brother? Hopefully this situation won’t arise, but if it does, it should be ok for Nepal’s PM, if he feels up to it, to also put his arm around the Indian PM’s shoulder to show that they have hard feelings towards each other.
9. High Five:
This would be my personal recommendation because it does not break protocol, it is not all touchy-feely, and keeps a certain distance while at the same time show-casing the informal bonhomie between equals that has characterised Indo-Nepalian relations since age immemorial from even before India and Nepal existed.