17-23 October 2014 #728

Have a blast

Ass
One of the indicators that Nepal’s economy is on the mend is the phenomenal growth in recent years of this country’s advertising industry.

And thank heavens for that, because this week’s column would not have been possible without the generous sponsorship of Crackpot Cheeseballs (Tagline: ‘Do you have the balls?’). This space is also made possible through the kind support of Altitude Vodka (Jingle: ‘Get high with Altitude, My Nepal my Altitude’).

So, without beating the bush and without further do-do, let’s get down to the Annual Advertising Excellence Hall of Fame Awards 2014 (Motto: ‘The Medium Is the Massage’). It goes without saying that was it not for the ad industry, we in the journalism business, wouldn’t be here to fulfill our public service duty of ramming our opinions down your throats.

Nepal’s advertising industry now ranks right up there with the world’s most advanced to sell fast-moving consumer goods even faster. In fact, these products are moving so fast, we have no time to loaf around. (This last sentence was sponsored by Sagarmatha Loaf: ‘You Got the Dough? We Got the Bread.’)

Now, before we announce the winners of this year’s Ad Awards, a short commercial break to announce that this week’s Ass column comes with a special promo offer: ‘First person to read this piece right to the end, gets a free diamond-studded tiara. Fine print: Lots of conditions apply. Offer valid till stocks last.Strictly on first-come-first-serve basis. Management can disqualify entrants without giving any reason whatsoever. In short, this is just a ploy to get suckers like you who have nothing better to do to actually read this stuff.’

No-Itch Anti-Eczema Lotion

‘Special Scratch Offer. Scrape this sticker and win a free trip to Disneyland.’

Sloth Beer Grand Post-Dasain Promo



‘Drink all you can to be the lucky winner of a college scholarship, and pass out.’

Mt Everest Iron Rods

‘Don’t Stay Home Without It. Buy a 50 ton gift pack, and win a free mountain flight for two on Hot Air’.

E-coli Mineral Water



‘Bottled at source from a tap in Tinkune and fortified with micro-organic nutrients. This two-in-one product allows you to quench your thirst and lose weight simultaneously. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back’.

Housewife Cooking Oil



The cooking oil that all Nepali housewives swear by. (Actual housewife quote: “(@#$%&*?!”) Move from the fire into the frying pan with Housewife. Good for the Heart, Bad for Everything Else.

ShockaLocka Boom! Grenades



Just Arrived! Fresh Chinese grenades for Tihar. This Diwali, have a blast. Make a bigger boom than your neighbours. Buy one get two free. Offer valid while stockist still alive. Pull Pin and Throw (grenade, not pin).

BODY BUILDER Portland Cement



Made from pure imported klinker and nothing else. No domestic additives. Get concrete results with Body Builder Brand Cement and live to tell the tale.

MI-17LX Helicopter Gunship



It’s sophisticated, it’s seductive and it’s just $4.5 million. Drop-dead good looks, the all new MI-17LX is so ultra-cool it’s hot. Enhanced with elegant turret-mounted rocket pods, equipped with chic side-firing machine guns, stylish night-vision goggles and sporty 3G ejection seats. Make even your enemy envious!?

POODLE Instant Noodles Oodles of Noodles with Essence of Goat



Just when you thought Nepal had run out of instant noodle brands, here comes Poodle Noodle. Don’t be fooled by the name, Poodle is actually the country’s first he-goat flavoured noodle especially synthesised for the Nepali taste.

POOF! Vanishing Cream



Finally here: the skin-lightening ointment that you’ve all been waiting for. Apply twice a day after meals. Get paler faster than the competition. Beware of imitations. Now you see me, now you don’t.

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