Like pets who look like their masters, have you noticed lately that cars are starting to resemble their owners? It’s startling. Give it another million years of evolution, and automobiles will shed their 4-wheel drives and start walking around on two hind legs. In the old days, when they designed cars, they got a box and attached tyres to it. These days, they take the current Miss Universe, add an internal combustion engine with T-bone McPherson struts and install fenders.
This is why these days we see cars with grinning radiator grills, cars that have fangs that look like Dracula, vans with double chins, convertibles with big bosoms, sedans that have Spiderman headlight lenses, cars with cute derriere, cars that greet you and obey voice commands, cars that throw tantrums and refuse to start unless you tickle them behind their carburettors.
Today’s anthropomorphic car designers strive to endow their creations with human attributes. So much so, that some cars even have sex. No, silly, they don’t mate in the garage when the lights go out. (Not that I am aware of, anyway.) I mean automobiles these days are actually gender differentiated. There are cars that are definitely male, there are cars that are definitely female, and there are cars that are definitely both.
Take the latest
Proton Waja, for instance. With its protuberant Y-front crushable bonnet, this is an unmistakably masculine machine that likes to run around in its undies. Or the
Toyota Innova, which in profile bears a striking resemblance to Diljit Dosanjh, a compact MPV that would actually look good in a turban. But for oozing testesterone from every pore, there is nothing to beat the ultimate he-car: that stud from the Mahindra stable, the
XUV500. The XUV500 is to automobiles what Dominique Strauss-Kahn is to the IMF.
On the other hand, the sleek curves, well-proportioned chassis, and ventilated disk brakes of the new BMW i3 make it most assuredly a fraulein on ze autobahn. Then there is the
Nissan Versa hatchback with its spacious trunk of generous 450l storage capacity which, in hindsight, has striking parallels to JLo. The
Volkswagen Tiguan, with its quiet intelligence and self-assured demeanour makes any other male car look slightly retarded. Then, of course, there is the whole trans-sexual range of cars of which we have problems pinning down the exact gender, if any. The foremost example of cars of this persuasion is the swarthily effeminate Fiat Punto, now tell me is that a he or a she?
Besides looks, a car’s name also contributes to its overall personality. There are some perfectly good cars that will never get over the burden of silly names that end in ‘o’, like the Terrano, Tuxedo or Tornado. There is also a new trend of naming cars after Hollywood box office hits, like Matrix, Chevrolet Intimidator or Jeep Gladiator. What next: Cybermutt, Kangaroojack or Crood? Auto makers seem to be running out of ideas, so here are some suggestions for the car names of tomorrow:
Hydra H20: The first hydrogen-fuelled car to be introduced into Nepal which will fail police emission tests because soot content in the exhausts will be below permissible limits. Also, since there is no water in Kathmandu the Hydra won’t have any fuel.
Libido SX: Ideal car for lovebirds, seats that recline fully to turn car into a honeymoon suite with Torsion-type roll control device and telescopic shock absorbers. The 16-valve multi-point Turbo-charged fuel injection system with afterburners gives faster pick-up, if so required.
Idiota 1200L: The only car in its class especially built for bunds, hartals and chukka jams. Comes with fire-resistant upholstery, brick-proof teflon windscreens, armoured turret with forward-mounted 7.5 mm cannon and side-firing rocket launchers with nuclear warheads. Wheels optional.