Evolution is coming a full circle in the post-Industrial Age as SUVs start resembling the humans who own them. This is entirely appropriate given that Darwin’s theory about the survival of the fattest is amply evident in the dog-eat-dog world of Kathmandu traffic on any given day where the motto is: “Every Man for Herself.” When might is right, it is politically correct to have a bigger car. And just as pets tend to resemble their masters, cars have started having facial expressions similar to their owners.
So, give it another couple of million years of evolution and automobiles will shed their hatchbacks and start walking around on two hind legs. In the old days, when they designed cars, they put an internal combustion engine inside a box and attached four wheels to it. These days, they take a Miss Universe and install a V8 6.2 litre Turbo-charged 420hp naturally aspirated powertrain and rig her up with a pair of Transverse Torsion Bar Suspensions and Iron Cross Off-road Rear Bumpers.
Take a look at some of the cars stuck in traffic on the bridge, and you will mistake some of them for your aunt. Over there is one with a grinning radiator grill, and just behind it is the metallic golden model with bushy eye brows and a double chin. There are cars with sleek midriffs, others look like they’ve had boob jobs, sedans with cute behinds, there are cars that speak to you. Yes, they greet you when you get in, and hurl abuse in Cantonese if they notice you have driven off without putting on your seatbelt. There are cars that understand voice commands, and ones that throw tantrums and refuse to start unless you tickle them behind their carburettors.
Today’s anthropogenic car designers strive to endow their creations with human attributes. So much so, that some cars even have sex. No, they don’t mate in the garage when the lights go out (not that I am aware of, anyway). I mean cars these days are actually gender differentiated. There are cars that are definitely male, there are cars that are definitely female, and there are cars that are definitely other.
Take the new BMW X6M, for instance. With its protuberant Y-front grill and bulging bonnet, this is an unmistakably masculine machine that oozes testosterone from every pore and likes to run around in its undies. Or the soon-to-be-unveiled Mercedes Benz 2016 GLC which from certain angles bears an uncanny resemblance to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. But for sheer macho-ness there is nothing to beat the ultimate he-car: that stud from the Tata stable, the Hexa. The Hexa is to SUVs what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to the California gubernatorial elections.
On the other hand, the well-proportioned curvy chassis and aerodynamic headlamp lens with optional eye-lashes of the new Lexus RX350 make it most assuredly feminine. Then there is the new Rolls Royce Phantom with its spacious trunk of generous 700 litre storage capacity which, in hindsight, has striking parallels to Jennifer Lopez. The Mahindra E2O, on the other hand, with its quiet intelligence and unassuming charm, makes any male car on the road today look slightly retarded.
After that, there is the whole trans-gender range of cars of which we have problems pinning down the exact sex of, if any. The foremost example of this is the swarthily effeminate Audi Q5. Now tell me is that a he or a she, or none of the above?