10-16 June 2016 #812

Yeomen’s service to the nation

We can say with confidence that things in Nepal can’t get any worse than they already have. Therefore, if my memory serves me right, things can only get better.

Thanks to the service imparted by our country’s yeomen and yeowomen in the past one year one decade one century (tick one), we can say with confidence that things in Nepal can’t get any worse than they already have. Therefore, if my memory serves me right, things can only get better.

In the past 19 years we have had 19 jabberments, and with each of them we have seen a marked improvement in all walks of life — mainly because the chronic fuel shortage and frequent chucka jams mean we have had to walk everywhere. And it is in the past year after Comrade KP became the Dear Helmsman that we have been taking truly great leaps forward towards the edge of the cliff. Those of you who still read paper newspapers will have gleaned from perusing The Rising Damp that we are all bubbling with optimism here in Nepal. We have bottomed out, and there is nowhere to go but up.

The reason we have started seeing the glass as half-full is because we already drank the other half. (That last remark was brought to you by Vogue Gin.) And now, everything looks rosy on the sunny side of the street, where the grass is greener because we are wearing rose-tinted shades. We clearly detect a silver lining that wasn’t there before in Cloud Cuckooland. And as we confidently skydive near Mt Everest we know all this has been made possible by 8848 Vodka.

So, allow me in my slightly tipsy state to now take this opportunity to also propose a toast to the large numbers of yeopersons who have left Nepal for good, thus providing more opportunities for all kinds of hanky-panky for those of us who stayed behind. Without your demonstrated sacrifice, courage, and patriotism this country would not be where it was day-before-yesterday. Stay away, don’t come back.

And finally with permission from the Chair, who is sitting in the sofa right here after arriving two hours late for this ceremony, allow me to propose the following richly deserving candidates for this year’s Republic Day medals and decorations: all Nepali women who took the huge risk of marrying kuires even though it meant they could turn anti-national, the Government Spokesman who voiced his disgust at the performance of the government, the two not-so-gentlemen who made an agreement for regime change which both knew the other knew was a joke, the civil servants who got 25% wage increases for doing 25% less, and the journos who are now eligible to free health care and can sign up for complimentary lobotomies.

It is when we start recognising every Nepali who has tirelessly worked for the betterment of this country that we will set an example for others to follow. And the Ass is committed to starting right here by developing a positive mental attitude to stop being its asinine self, and desist from being cynical and poking any more fun at those on top of the food chain. Here is a rundown of all the upbeat things that have been happening lately in Nepal which may help us count our blessings:

  • Kulekhani reservoir has risen by 1.7cm due to recent rains, which means load-shedding will now be reduced from 11 hours a day to 9 hours a day, marking a 20% improvement in the NEA’s performance.

  • A record 400 plus-minus 15 mountaineers reached the top of Mt Everest this year, which is a 400% increase compared to 2013. This means revenue from royalty fees also went up by the same amount, to be squandered on highway bridge contracts that are never completed.

  • Two potholes were patched up in Krishna Galli this fiscal year, which is a 200% improvement on the situation in the 10th Five-Year Plan when no potholes were patched.

  • A new Bikram Calendar has been approved by the Department of Astrology and Palmistry that will eliminate the month of Bhadra in 2073 because that is when the agitated parties are threatening another agitation.

  • The Nepal Telepathy Corporation has introduced a new service called Sixth Sense (Registered Trade Mark) for voice mail, in which subscribers will have to use their intuition and instinct to figure out ways to make calls on their mobile phones since the damn thing keeps cutting off.

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