9-15 January 2015 #740

What will be will be

If the number of arsetrologers descending upon us these days from Down South is any indication, then this country is heading towards a glorious sunset.

Anthropologists have long been convinced that only when a people develop an extraordinary interest in their own future do they strive for betterment. One thing we now know for sure, last time we checked, is that Nepal has a future, we just don’t know what kind of future it is. And that is why the invasion of soothsayers, each more famous than the other according to Aajtak Tv, is a welcome development. We need these foreign zodiacal consultants to help narrow the trade deficit with Nepal so we can better prepare ourselves to deal with untoward incidents perpetrated by miscreants in the coming months. 

Our own expertise in the arena of futurology is comparatively insignificant. Peptic ulcers being Nepal’s national disease, we are more preoccupied with the here and now. No doubt, when it comes to our tummies we are the world’s foremost authorities on gastronomy, gastrophysics and gastrology. But it is in astrology that we lag behind the rest of the world. For comparison, just look at the rapid strides our next-door neighbours, India and China have taken in the high-tech field of foretelling the future. India is the world leader in fortune-telling, while China is the fortune-cookie superpower of the world.

Every country has a strategic need to be able to predict what will happen day after tomorrow. In Nepal, it is of critical importance that we know what will happen on 22 January. Forewarned is forearmed. And our motto, should be: “When you have a horoscope, you don’t need a telescope.” The sooner we realise that our nation’s destiny is governed by the position of the constellation Scorpio vis-a-vis the Planet Jupiter and develop our own indigenous expertise in stargazing, the better it will be for all concerned. But till that time, alas, we will have to rely on foreigners to foretell our destiny.

Some of the asstrologers currently in the capital can allegedly make extraordinarily accurate predictions by reading the faces of clients, examining their belly buttons, and measuring the size of their private sectors. They don’t even need to consult our horoscopes. Wow. If you are worried about remarriage, divorce, the fate of the new constitution, or even your peptic ulcers, you can have your future, however dire, foretold.

Nations, too, have horoscopes. And in these uncertain times it is good to know what is pre-ordained, so that we can all sit back and relax, safe in the knowledge that what will be, will be. We have here in our possession a leaked classified copy of Nepal’s horoscope, and in the national interest we reprint it below in the strictest confidence provided you keep it yourselves because it is a military secret which, if it falls into the wrong hands, could undermine our national sovereignty and territorial integrity: 

‘With Mars in mid-heaven in Nepal and closest to Earth than it has ever been since the days of the Neanderthal Man, we are looking at a lot more monkeying around in the Himalaya. The current Libra-Aries opposition is identical to their placement during the Peloponnesian War in 476 BC when the plague struck Athens and Rome sacked Carthage. But, not to worry, all is hunkydory for the 22nd because of a Neptune-Uranus conjunction in the 7th. There is nothing that can go wrong, because nothing is going on.”

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