20-26 June 2014 #712

Weapons of ass destruction

Ass
Recently, the Ass has been kept awake nights worrying about the falling self-esteem of Nepalis, and trying to come up with ideas so the international community will take us seriously once again.

France is the latest country to stop issuing visas in Kathmandu. If you want to go to France you have to apply for a visa in Delhi. Any self-respecting country would then retaliate by cancelling visa on arrival for French nationals and requiring them to apply in Côte d’Ivoire for their Nepali visas. Similarly, in the spirit of reciprocity, Australians would have to apply in Fiji, and Italians at the Nepal Embassy in Addis. Wait, we have no embassy in Addis? Serves the Italians right.

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There is a point when a country just throws up its hands and says: “Enough is enough of being kicked around. We are going to start work on developing weapons of mass destruction.” Here, our role model is North Korea, known to close friends as the Democratic People’s Republic of the Kim Dynasty.

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Now that the Department of Geology and Mines has found vast deposits of uranium in Mustang, we must immediately start buying up centrifuges, incubators and physics professors to turn the fuel rods into weapons-grade plutonium in a top secret underground facility behind Om’s Home in Jomsom. Just like DPRK defeated two imperialisms with its bare hands, our national motto should be: “We will arm ourselves to our gills, even if we have no gills.”

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The other much overdue proposal that will force farangs to treat Nepalis with a little more respect is mandatory conscription for all Nepali males above 18, a proposal for this is being tabled in the Constipation Assembly as we speak. Coupled with nuclear warheads, Nepal will then have the largest standing army in the uncivilised world. No one will even think of hepo-ing us then.

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Many people don’t know that national prestige projects like Melamchi,  Hetauda Fast Track and Chundevi Road Widening are delayed because of the top priority given to finishing the Republic Tower in Kirtipur. When it is completed next year, this erectile dysfunction which bears a striking resemblance to an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile on a launch pad will serve as Nepal’s strategic deterrent because not only is it such an ugly structure that it will repel all enemies on sight, but from spy satellites it will look like we already have long-range delivery vehicles for our nukes.

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And did you know that Nepal is also working on a top secret drones program? I could tell you about it, but then I’d have to kill you. Anyway, if you promise not to breathe a word of this to anyone, I can divulge in strictest confidence that the drone project is already mass producing salaried civil servants who do nothing all day. These drones may look like they are asleep at their desks, but they are decoys. Actually, they are trained to wake up and deliver groin kicks to any foreign army that dares to invade Singha Darbar.

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Then we come to the most secret weapon in our military arsenal and urinal: Nepal’s highly secretive biological weapons program which is so hush-hush that even the prime minister doesn’t know about it, which is not saying much, I admit.

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For centuries Nepal kept out foreign invaders by deploying malaria-carrying female anopheles mosquitos along our southern border. We were never colonised because of our Mozzie Army. But since the eradication of malaria in the Tarai, we have no forward line of defence and need new ways to conduct germ warfare. For this, the Nepal Army’s clandestine Bio Warfare Division is culturing genetically-modified versions of the Vibrio cholerae and Giardia lamblia bacteria which can blow up the gastro-intestinal tubes of sworn enemies with explosive force. The two bacteria have already proved to be highly effective in foiling a tourist invasion of Nepal. Covertly infiltrated into the endoplastic reticulum, the germs wreak havoc on the digestive tract of potential invaders and make them think twice about entering Nepal’s Toilet-Free Buffer Zone again.

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Understandably, Nepal hasn’t publicised this highly classified project, but that doesn’t mean the international community can ride roughshod over us. We should be able to tell them: “Don’t ride roughshod over us, you big fat bullies, otherwise we will paralyse your command and control system with verbal diarrhoea and force you to sign a mutual non-aggression pact.” 

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