30 Jan-5 Feb 2015 #743

Washing dirty Lenin in public


Because of a single-minded determination to take the bull by the horns of a dilemma, and after six years of can-do attitude to write a new constitution, our legislators have finally propelled Nepal into the world headlines – something that had eluded us even though we tried waging a bloody civil war, a mass massacre of water buffalos every five years, and breaking the world record in making the largest human flag. 

We only have The Respectable Member of the August House Comrade Umesh Yadav to thank for finally getting Nepal an honourbale mention in the Bill Maher Show. This is the kind of international publicity that the Nepal Bored of Tourism wouldn’t be able to buy even for a million bucks. Suddenly, Nepal is not just the land of brave Gurkhas and sure-footed Sherpas, but also of members of parliament who dismember parliament. Type chair+parliament and suddenly it is Nepal all over Google image search. #EjectedChair is trending on twitter, overtaking #ElectricChair.

Such international recognition doesn’t come by every day in the history of a nation, which is all the more reason for us to strategise about how we can take this achievement and build on it. We have to make hay while the sun shines and aggressively push Nepal as an adventure destination. For too long, Nepal has been known as a land of peace-loving people where the Buddha was reportedly born, but in this modern age where might is right this docile brand image needs to be changed so that we are taken more seriously by the international commune. 

The Ministry of Firanghi Affairs has been quick off the mark to drive home the message that we can’t be pushed around anymore by summoning European ambassadors to warn of retaliatory action. In the spirit of diplomatic reciprocity and in accordance to the Vienna Convention, Nepal is planning to take the following actions with immediate effect: 

  • Instruct our Brussels-based ambassador to take a tourist bus to Flanders to meet with Flemish separatist leaders and have a couple of De Konincks off the tap.

  • Ask our Plenipotentiary in the Court of St James to issue a press statement questioning why the British Monarch can only be from a certain sect and whether this isn’t a violation of various international human rights covenants that the UK is signatory to.

  • Get the Nepal Embassy in Washignton DC to issue a travel advisory for parts of the United States recently affected by race riots, and advise Nepalis to exercise extreme caution, cancel all non-essential travel, and to be fully armed if they have to visit affected areas. While he’s at it Dr Karki may also want to strongly lobby Congress to declare new federal provinces for African-Americans and Hispanics along the Mexican border.

  • Nepal will take the lead in getting a consortium of South Asian embassies at the EU to urge its member states to exercise restraint and work in a spirit of consensus to protect unity and racial harmony in Europe.

CA Chair Name Bang, being a stout Marxist-Leninist himself, is a devotee of the teachings of two European philosophers, so we don’t understand why fellow comrades from the Maoist persuasion have their knickers in knots over his keeping options open by taking the House forward for a vote, thus buying time for negotiations.

The UML is a party that excels in the art of improvisation by sitting on the fence in flip-flops and letting the chips fall where they may. After all, it was Marx (Groucho, not Karl) who once said: “If you come to a fork on the road, take it”. And the UML also follows very seriously what its other guru, Vladimir Ilyich, preached in his heydays: “Learn. Learn. Learn. Wash your dirty Lenin in public.” 

In the love triangle within the Cash Mao between PKD, BRB and NKS, the not-so-Baddie Comrade Qazi has suddenly found himself in the doghouse after BRB declared war on him on FB. Buttrai himself is suddenly lovey-dovey with Lotus Flower and has outmaneuvered everyone who dared to push the constitution to the drafting committee. Bijay the Gutch also tried his best to come up with a compromise after negotiations failed, but PKD got a call and went outside to take it. He came back in and all deals were off. Our moles at NT have traced the call. In future, why don’t they just wear bluetooth earpieces which can transmit live audio and receive instructions discretely while seated at the table?

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