Nepali Times

Over the years, we media watchdogs have watched with growing alarm the erosion of journalistic values in this country as the Fourth Estate becomes obsessed with Real Estate, and turns its full attention to mammon and mammaries.

To make matters worse, certain lazy young reporters who have requested anonymity because they are ashamed to call themselves mediapersons still insist on just reporting the facts and leave out all the bigotry, prejudice and preconceived notions they have nurtured since adolescence.

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned bias? Where is the editorialising? Why are we so hesitant to pursue alternative facts and fake news when these are sanctioned in the post-truth age? If journalists don’t have the testicular fortitude to stand up to what they believe in, and back that up with views masquerading as news, then I’m afraid I consider it a shame to any longer remain in this profession. I quit.

Our readers do not need hydrolysis, they need analysis (From the Latin. ‘Ysis’ = leaking ‘Anal’ = backside). And the only people who can administer the suppository are registered armchair navel geezers who are officially certified to pontificate on any subject under the sun. 

Today’s young scribes (and pharisees) think opinion is only for the opinion pages. What rubbish. Journalism schools should start teaching students that their job is not just to report facts but to bend them. In fact, facts should never be allowed to get in the way of a good argument, especially if that argument coincides with our own. But alas, standards are slipping and ultimately it is you, our valued clients, who end up being duped. 

It is this correspondent’s objective and neutral opinion that journalism without a bias is like chicken without chilli. “After all, admitting to having a prejudice is being truthful. Political correctness itself reveals intolerance of other people’s viewpoints,” this correspondent said to himself in an off-the-record interview while reporting this objective opinion piece.  

So, to make up for letting you down, this week The Ass gives you a completely unbiased summary of this country’s current politics. (Editor’s Note: The opinion expressed in the following snippet of objective news item is the reporter’s own and in no way reflects the prevailing situation in the country.) 

Deuba divorces Dahal By a Congressite Correspondent

KATHMANDU — Ex-ex-ex prime minister Sher Bahadur Deuba thinks PM Dahal is dillydallying on elections to prevent him from being ex-PM for the fourth time. He has therefore filed for divorce. He had tied the knot with the ex-King and after that hopped into bed with the Republicans. He openly flirted with Dahal and wooed him away from his ex, Oli. But even that marriage is now said to be on the rocks. This Ballantine’s Day, alert readers will recall that Brave Lion once performed congress with the Congress, but he is on the verge of breakup with Mr Needy over the appointment of the new IGP.  

It is the considered opinion of this Correspondent that he should be made Promiscuous Minister once more. The man deserves it just for the patience he has shown so far to stage a comeback. And if you don’t agree with me, you can go stuff it.