25-31 August 2017 #873

Summit of Scoundrels

Good thing the rhinos that inadvertently swam into India due to last week’s floods were rescued and repatriated to Nepal, otherwise it may have sparked a diplomatic row just before R-zoo’s state visit to India. If only the talks on water and security matters could be as amicably settled. 

Just before the Crime Minister scooted off, though, his party’s MPs filed a draft bill in Parliament allowing convicted murderers, rapists, human traffickers, drug pushers, kidnappers, carjackers, and other outlaw criminals sentenced to less than 20 years, to henceforth stand for elections by cutting the mandatory six-year cooling off period by half. A lot of people were outraged by this, little realising that this has been standard operating procedure in Nepal since the dawn of democracy and the advent of party-based parliamentary democracy (hereinafter referred to as ‘Goat Market’). 

You can tell Prime Minister Dubya IV is an equal opportunity employer because he has formed a superduper kingsize x-tra large cabinet platoon of 50 ministers. And since the Chambers of Parliament are beginning to resemble the Chambers of Commerce, we can only hope that Nepal’s newly affiliated hospitals can operate (pardon the pun) without let or hindrance. Nepal is more advanced: in other countries the mafia is involved in killing, here the mafia is involved in healing.

However, Dr Govind KC is right: we have reached saturation point with medical colleges in Kathmandu because competition has got so stiff (another subtle pun, if you all noticed) that hospitals are bribing ambulance drivers and chopper pilots. It is time for a moratorium on medical colleges: let’s open training centres for malfeasance, and promote MICE tourism by conducting an international conference of mafia bosses. 

Having notched up a few more points in the Transparency International Corruption Index this year, Nepal has won the bid to host the next Global Conference on Graft and Organised Crime, for which scoundrels have to pay a hefty bribe to attend.  

Some of the world’s most renowned rascals will be here to deliberate for three days on how to swindle more efficiently, as well as to put finishing touches on the Universal Declaration on Plunder and State Capture. 

At press time, more than 1,000 internationally-acclaimed thieves and knaves have confirmed participation, including biggies such as Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo of Equatorial Guinea and Mossack Fonseca from Panama, with the opening plenary keynote by the legendary Imelda Marcos. Delegates will split into breakout sessions, and their highlights will be shared in the final Tyrants’ Networking Evening.

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