17-23 March 2017 #850

Skeletons in the Cabinet


We agree with critics of GONe who have serious misgivings about the size of the current Cabinet. They are absolutely right, it is just not big enough. How can the spoils be divided (and multiplied) with only 32 ministers,12 ministers of state, and a handful of others lying in state?  For a country with so much potential and kinetic energy, it is a shame that we deliberately hold ourselves back by being hesitant and timid. How does the Prima-facie Minister Awesome think he is going to go about solving all the problems we have in this country if his cabinet is so seriously understaffed? For national construction and reconstruction to go on a war footing, we need an army of ministers, not just the pathetic platoon we have now in Singha Darbar. To make Nepal great again, we need to think big. It is a skeleton Cabinet with skeletons in its cabinet. Need to add meat to it. There is a lot of uncertainty about on again off again elections. About 15 minutes ago it was certain, now it’s suddenly become iffy. But not to worry, we are sure that within the next hour or so polls will be a sure thing again. An election needs to be conducted in a fair and lovely manner, and the best way to guarantee that is to have all parties inducted into a national government so that any cheating cancels itself out.

This is the perfect opportunity to expand the cabinet and create new jobs. Every minister has a multiplier effect on the economy and the labour market. 

The jumbo cabinet as a jumbo job creation opportunity that will bring down our national umemployment rate by several percentage points, reduce the number of Nepalis migrating abroad to work, and have downstream benefits.

Every minister hires bodyguards, peons, cooks, drivers, wives, personal assistants, hangers-on, flunkies, middlemen, goons, extortionists and a couple of pet donkeys. The Primeval Minister should ignore critics, and just go ahead and enlarge his cabinet some more.

But there just aren’t enough ministries to fit a jumbo gobblement of national unity. So, in the national interest, we present a few new portfolios:

Ministry of Cheque and Balance: Will work in close coordination with the FinMin to manage fiscal policy especially for underhanded deals

Ministry of Distortion and Extortion: Will counter anti-government propaganda and be a one-window office for party fund-raising 

Ministry of Illegitimate Affairs: In the spirit of transparency and accountability all covert palm-greasing to be referred to this new ministry 

Ministry of Adultery: Will monitor all commodities to ensure that kickbacks have been paid to mix kerosene in diesel, sell underweight LPG cylinders, allow a thriving blackmarket in electricity

Ministry of Tourism and Maoism: So as not to squander the sacrifices of revolution, trekking will be promoted in former war zones

Ministry of Physical Therapy and No Works: Will prolong road-digging and widening so it is never finished in the national interest 

Ministry of Home: This is the most coveted ministry because the minister can work out of home

Ministry of Junkets and Aviation: This minister is never home, but amassing air miles 

Ministry of Ministerial Administration: The new 185-member cabinet will need a separate ministry to take the roll call during cabinet meetings and ensure enough pakoras to go around 

Ministries without Portfolio: These are cunningly left vacant to accommodate more disgruntled elements so they don’t disrupt elections

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