21-27 March 2014 #699

Relocate Kathmandu

Ass
Comrade Awesomeful misses having the spotlight on him as the most powerful alpha male in Nepal. This is why he has lately been giving interviews left and right. Mostly left. One rabbit he pulled out of his hat is to start reunification talks with Kiran Kaka. Something seems to have happened while Baida Ba was in Belgium last month, where Eurobaddies told him not to be such a stick in the mud, warning him also not to come back any more to fundraise until he first reunited with the mother party. So, the two signed a two-point agreement on the only two issues on which they think alike: condemn the Interpol notice on the killers of Krishna Adhikari now living in UK and a vehement rejection of local elections. Aside from that, the two do not share a worldview on anything else. Even Comrade Cloudy, who has been the main go-between, knows that the day Chairman Aweful gets back with Baidya Buwa will be the day that BRB will quit the Cash and Comrade Big Plop will quit the Dash. And we will be in the horns of a conundrum what to call this new fusion of Dash and Cash. Suggestions welcome.

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In Economic News, the latest is that NAC has run out of planes and NOC has run out of money. Despite world crude prices falling below $110 a barrel in the past month, NOC has decided to raise prices at gas stations by implementing an ingenious method which is a highly classified state secret. But if you promise not to tell anyone, the Ass can divulge off the record that the plan entails allowing distributors to commit adultery by mixing water in kerosene, kerosene in diesel and diesel in petrol. “Some people call this adulteration, but we call it price stabilisation,” said a well-lubricated source at the Ayal Nigam whose losses have crossed Rs1 billion.

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Meanwhile, the Ass has come up with a solution that will solve in one swell foop all our multiple crises, including load-shedding and overcrowding of Kathmandu. It can now be revealed that the plan entails building a hydroelectric dam at Chobar. This will create a massive reservoir submerging Kathmandu, Patan and Bhaktapur and return the Valley to its pristine pre-historic lakeside ambience. This ingenious idea will remove 80 per cent of Nepal’s electricity demand while generating 8 billion gigawatt hours of power and removing load-shedding till the dawn of the 22nd century. There are other side benefits: by obliterating Kathmandu Metropolis and the Patan Sub-Metropolitan City from the face of the earth we will also have solved the garbage crisis, the pollution crisis, corruption at the airport, prostitution and the problem of stray street dogs.

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The question then arises, where should the capital of the New Nepal be located? That is a very good point, and luckily for you I have been doing my homework and have shortlisted the following:

** The government wants to bring water from Melamchi but the people of Melamchi don’t want to give it to us. Solution: if Melamchi doesn’t want to come to Kathmandu take Kathmandu to Melamchi.

** Okharpauwa residents have refused refuse from Kathmandu. Solution: Relocate Nepal’s capital to Okharpauwa and no one will notice because both are garbage dumps.

** Jomsom. Nepal’s capital must be located in a place that has the best apple brandy. Ministers can ride mules to work.

** By relocating the capital to Kalapani, we kill two birds with two stones: we regain stolen Nepali territory, and the capital will be so far from the rest of Nepal no one is ever going to bother us again.

** Shift Nepal’s capital to New Delhi. Everything’s being decided there anyway.

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