18-24 August 2017 #872

Prehistoric headlines

We he-Gorkhalis have never shirked from exhibiting extraordinary valour when we come face-to-face with an adversary: whether it is the East India Company or a rival faction of the Centrist Maoists. Fossilised remains of petrified pre-historic newspapers recently unearthed from limestone caves in Chovar reveal for the first time that the roots of many of our present-day national traits were struck in those hoary days of antiquity at the dawn of history when the Earth was young, and Man was just beginning his journey to the pinnacle of evolution. Here are some belated breaking news items from 60,000 years ago:

Collision with Mars Averted 

By Our Cosmos Correspondent

The Earth suffered a near miss collision with Mars yesterday as the two planets came to within a hair’s breath of each other, and disaster was averted only because an alert astrologer in Patan was able to apply the Earth’s emergency brakes. 

Royalist Astrologer Mangal said his namesake planet suddenly swerved towards the Earth’s orbit without warning, and the two missed each other by a whisker. “Whew, that was close,” a visibly relieved Mr Mangal told reporters. “Thank heavens we’re not going to have a close shave like that for another 60,000 years.”

Women Fed Up 

By a Feminine Reporter 

Thousands of women launched the first phase of their agitation against their slightly better halves this week on the occasion of a prehistoric Tij festival by migrating to their ancestral caves in the East African Rift Valley and went on a hunger strike until their men-folk met their 18-point demand, which included a moratorium on furry husbands running around in their birthday suits, a ban on open defecation in closed spaces, and a requirement that hunter-gatherer husbands also learn to clean up after themselves. “We know it won’t happen in a million years,” said one irate primordial spouse, “but it may get them off their hairy butts.”

Fire Discovered 

By Our Resident Arsonist 

Four juvenile male hominoids accidentally discovered fire Tuesday when the woolly mammoth they were herding got struck by lightning on Chovar Hill, a Primeval Home Ministry source said. The mammoth was burnt beyond recognition, and the young anthropoids said the incinerated mammoth tasted much better than a raw one. “This discovery will revolutionise cooking and warfare,” predicted an antediluvian military analyst on condition that this would be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Several disgruntled arsonists immediately started playing with fire, setting ablaze their living quarters and reducing their ancestral homeland to ashes.

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