1-7 September 2017 #874

On a war-footing

Incumbent PM Dubya IV’s visit to India overshadowed Excumbent PM Maknunay’s sojourn to Pyongyang last week, and would have gone largely unnoticed had we not seen this headline buried in the inside pages: ‘Nepal in North Korea’. We can make an educated guess that MKN and KJU had a one-on-one about missile diplomacy.

GONE can learn from DPRK about how small countries can leverage nuclear deterrence to defend against outside dalliance in domestic affairs. After Lion Brave’s Delhi visit (during which he rolled over to say “Yes Sir, Yes Sir, Three Bags Full” while having his belly rubbed) this has become a matter of even greater urgency for Nepal.

So, now that the Department of Geology and Mine has found U235 in Mustang, we need to issue an international tender for centrifuges and reactors to turn our fuel rods into weapons-grade plutonium in an underground facility somewhere in the western sector near Okharpauwa. This is all top secret stuff, which I can tell you more about, but then I’d have to kill you. Suffice for now to reveal that we are working on our own weapons of mass self-destruction ASSAP.

It goes without saying that Nepal’s nuclear program will be solely for civilian purposes, meaning it will be used to vapourise civilians in whichever country crosses our path. Nepal will also have a strict no first strike policy (conditions apply) so we need to back all this up with not just a conventional sitting army, which is what we have now, but a much larger standing army.   

Few people know that the most secret weapon in our military arsenal and urinal is the Army’s highly-classified biological weapons program which was successfully tested in Haiti in 2010. Nepal has a long history of germ warfare: we kept invaders from the South at bay with our female anopheles Mozzie Army. But since malaria was eradicated, we have no forward line of defence, which is why the Nepal Army is clandestinely culturing the Vibrio cholerae and Giardia lamblia for the conduct of germ warfare. Covertly infiltrated into the endoplastic reticulum, the bacteria puts an invading army on the runs.

So, I am not losing sleep, like some pundits are, that the Erstwhile-Royal Nepal Army Pvt Ltd has grabbed Tundikhel, is setting up its own radio station, is building the Tarai Fast Track and even the Second-to-None International Airport at Nijgad.

If money is an issue, the Army can alwys raise funds by selling tickets to its annual Foolpati Circus. Instead of just guarding our national parks, 5-star generals could run 5-star resorts. And since we are now an inclusive democracy, and crooks can be candidates, there is no reason why commissioned officers shouldn’t also be allowed to contest elections to be the executive President of this Praetorian Secular Open-Defecation Free Federified Republic.

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