29 November-5 December 2013 #683

Youngish Turks and Old Geezers

Ass
MIN RATNA BAJRACHARYA
It was bound to come to this. No sooner did the election result trends show the Kangresis and the A-Maleys far outpacing the A-Baddies, than they went back to their traditional fun and games of leg-pulling and back-stabbing. These are very early indications, but at this rate don’t expect a new cabinet to be agreed on before 2014. First, the triangular fight within the Kangresis among Lion Brave, Ram Chunder, and Shusil Da has to be sorted out. SuzieQ rooting for Uncle Jhoos hasn’t helped the Koirala klan one bit, by the way, and we will need an interpreter for simultaneous translation from Nepali to Nepali if Uncle Buwa ever makes it to Balu Water. The Lion of the Far West is itching to become PM for the fourth time so he can work towards beating the national and international record set by Surya B. Lord Ram thinks he deserves to be PM because he fought and lost 17 CA elections in 2011 and feels he needs to be compensated by the party for the humiliation he had to go through for the sake of keeping PKD out of power. As a keen follower of Nepali politics, the one thing the Ass has learnt is that in Nepal history keeps repeating itself as a fart.

***


And that is just for the prime ministership. It doesn’t take a space cadet to figure out that the other battle royal will be between the NC and UML with both trying to outdo each other in horse-trading for the choice portfolios. And if the Youngish Turks in both parties thought they would finally break the glass ceiling to be in govt, they have another thinking coming: the octogenarians have to kick the bucket first before the septuagenarians get their chance and only then will it be the young ones’ palo. So, if the Old Geezers finally give Gagan Thapa a portfolio it will probably be the Ministry of Women, Children, Youth and Sports. Which, come to think of it, will be a great day for Nepali women and children, and may even improve our chances of scoring big in the T20 World Cup next year in Bangladesh.

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Even though Nepalis are sometimes prone to snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in international matches, the thing that has made Nepal great is that we hate to lose. When it looked like we were losing against Gen Ochterlony in 1815, we signed a treaty with British India and gave away more than half our country just so we could keep our territorial integrity and national virginity. It is the same DNA that prompts the Bracket Baddies from accepting the rout in elections. Suddenly it was ‘grand design’, ‘hidden’ hand’, and ‘international conspiracy’ once again. Faced with bitter criticism from within his party for fielding relatives and cronies, PKD had no option but to point his finger at the Army and an external, uncooked enemy. Interestingly, the losers all saw a hidden foreign hand but the winners (including Comrades Ugly, Horrible, Big Plop, Top Man, Powerful Brave) were fine with the results and were against boycotting the CA. Worried that his ambition to become Nepal’s first executive president may now be unattainable, Awesome has sent feelers out that he may be willing to settle for replacing Ram Burron in Shitall Palace. But the UML has its own idea in power-sharing with the Kangresis under which in return for letting the NC have premiership, the UML will demand Nembang (yes, the former speaker) as the new president. Not a bad choice.

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You get to hear some strange things when politics turns topsy turvy after an election. It was BRB, it seems, who led PKD into a trap by provoking him to urge a boycott of the vote counting. The Cash had offered Dash 26 PR seats before the elections to bring the rump into the fray, but the Cash itself has barely got 24 PR seats so far. Kiran Kaka and Pukada met in Mahara Dai’s home over Nescafe and PKD did a mea culpa in front of Comrade God and Cloudy offering party unity. Then comes the mysterious proposal to allow the Dash into the new CA through a constitutional amendment. If the constitution can be amended to allow a party that actively boycotted elections into parliament, why would anyone fight elections in the future?

And then there is the strange saga of the Foreign Ministry being alarmed by ambassadors going all over the place having private teas with newly-elected leaders. It decided to write stern note verbales to all the embassies to stop it. But the leaders, who feel the visits boost their prestige, leaned on the Foren Min not to send the letter.

***


So this is what it has come to for the Once-Great Helmsman, to go to the election commission with 13 other smaller parties that didn’t win a single seat to complain of irregularities. For once, Commissioner Blue Throat stood firm and told them to bugger off.

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