25-31 January 2013 #640

Nepal’s #1 Joker

Although Chairman Lotus Flower may be a habitual liar, he has this awesome habit of once in a while blurting out the truth. But whenever he does that he immediately retracts his truthful statement, saying he was just joking. Remember, a couple of years ago, he was caught on candid camera saying he tricked the UN into thinking there were 30,000 guerrillas, and when the tape was broadcast repeatedly by tv channels he said: “Har, har, har, was just pulling your legs, yar.” 

The other day, during an unguarded moment in Gorkha, he got carried away and voiced his innermost secret desire of badly wanting to be prime minister. When the next morning’s papers gave it banner treatment, he said it was just a ‘joke’. At this rate, Comrade Awe-inspiring is not just going to be prime minister soon, he is also going to be Nepal’s #1 Joker. The man is getting paranoid about being hauled over the coals at the ICC, which doesn’t worry him as much as not being able to junket in Malaysia, Hong Kong, Singapore, and London. So he has figured that the best way to eliminate the threat of persecution for perpetrating war crimes and to defuse the powder keg of an internal investigation of his involvement in purloining cantonment allowances is to be PM. 

United by their shared fear of persecution, Lotus Flower and Red Flag have come to a working arrangement whereby they are dangling elections to deflect attention away from their efforts to protect war criminals and obstruct justice. After flatly rejecting Jhoos Da’s candidacy and convincing the Prez that it will never happen, they are now promoting a ‘Third Person’. The civil society stalwart they proposed is saying, “Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full,” and has kept a meaningful silence over the Dekendra affair so as not to spoil his chances of making it to Balu Water. But it does look like the consensus PM candidate will be someone from a small party who is not standing for elections himself and who is acceptable to all. And the Ass can only think of three people who fit that bill: Brave Sun, Dear Leader Kim Il Sung Bijukchhe, and Mahanta Tagore.

In the latest example of doublespeak, PKD last Friday assured sceptical Kathmandu based envoys (BTW, how come the North and South ambies didn’t attend?) that the TRC Bill already met international standards. He then comes out of the Shang and tells waiting reporters that the TRC Bill is a shining example of transitional justice, and the Prez should ratify it by ordinance. Maybe this time the firanghis will finally realise how this man has taken them, us, and everyone else for a ride all along. 

But have to hand it to Unserer Fuhrer, the man never gives up. After his tongue of the slip confession that he would make a great prime minister, he is now talking tough ahead of the Hetauda Convention next month to appease hardcore cadre accusing him of going soft and abandoning the revolution. Which is why PKD is promising fire and brimstone and a return to voylence from one side of his mouth, while with the other he is smoking the peace pipe with Lal Doze. 

And in our ongoing Only in Nepal Series this week we present the following:

1.When police started cracking down this week on taxis fleecing passengers, taxi drivers went on strike in Tin Coonay demanding their right to cheat.

2.Homely Minister Gutch fell asleep during a program in Sunsari where businessmen were asking the government to ‘wake up’ to control extortion.

3. Irritation Minister Yadav’s SUV was car-napped from residence, setting off a police red alert. Turns out his drunk son-in-law had taken it out for a spin.

4. Wall graffiti next to garbage pile: ‘Provide jobs to unemployed youth.’

5. Cash Baddies who control the Finance Ministry send out letters to businesses to extort 7 corrodes for their party convention.

6. The prime minister tweets saying we can ‘shoot him’ if he can’t turn Nepal into Bihar. 

7. Police arrest police in Dailekh.

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